


Fool

by kireinayuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, Blind Date, Boyfriends, Boys in Skirts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Established Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nicknames, Oh also, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleepovers, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, and it goes from there, but be nice this fic is my baby :((, light - Freeform, markhyuckhei is you squint, mentioned - Freeform, nana’s lonely so his friends set him up, there may be minor typos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 21:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20378713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireinayuta/pseuds/kireinayuta
Summary: Jeno is Jaemin’s best friend until... Well, until he just isn’t anymore.





	Fool

It all starts very amicably, if Jaemin's being honest. Because there are good intentions behind Donghyuck's decision. The decision which he managed to persuade their entire friend group to collectively agree with, somehow. So Jaemin's not too mad when all his friends stage an intervention in his living room one day. 

"You're lonely."

And yeah, Renjun's words weren't what Jaemin had expected him to say, but he wasn't about to splutter and say that the words were a lie. Because he was, as pathetic as that sounded. He doesn't let himself acknowledge it too often, because truthfully? He's contented with how things are going in his life. 

He has an average of over eighty-five in all of his college courses, his friend group hangs out biweekly so that they stay in touch, and he's living in a rather cozy and cute apartment, which he proudly boasts about paying the rent of alone, thanks to his enjoyable job as a waiter. 

So yeah, Jaemin's lonely, but he doesn't speak it out into existence, preferring to stay humble with everything he already has. 

"And you're going to change that."

Now, that's when Jaemin starts to become a bit weary. Because he knows that Donghyuck just wants the best for him, the best being a change, apparently, however he doesn't like change. 

Jaemin always sticks to familiarity, doesn't sway away from the comfort of already knowing. It's scary, for Jaemin, to branch out and try something new, with all the risks and different outcomes that come with being extroverted. 

And Donghyuck telling him to change that? Donghyuck's his platonic soulmate, shouldn't he know that he can't just change?. And Jaemin knows the intentions are good, that he doesn't want to Jaemin to change, he just wants to change the fact that he's lonely. But he can't find himself to care too much about being alone in his apartment, which sometimes feels too big for only him, even if it's not the most spacious. 

"No?" He says, the word coming out as a question, walking around his group of friends to pick up a bowl of ramen he left on the coffee table. "I'm quite content." 

"And I'm gay," Renjun scoffs, disbelieving everything Jaemin says. "Jaem, it's cool if you don't want to get into a relationship or anything right now, but at least try?" 

"Yeah hyung," Chenle pipes up. "We feel bad whenever we leave you alone, and we know how uncomfortable third wheeling is." 

To an outsider, it honestly sounds scrutinizing to have his friends point out all the reasons why he's always alone, slumming around in his apartment. But he knows that it isn't, and he knows that the reason he spends most of his time alone is because Mark and Donghyuck don't do anything without the other, that Chenle and Jisung are in the early stages of their relationship, so they're attached at the hip. And don't even get Jaemin started on Renjun and Jeno's respective girlfriends, all the heterosexuality in the air spooks their entire friend group, which is why Renjun and Jeno are never really around when they're with their girlfriends. 

Speaking of Jeno,

"Where's Jeno?" He asks, walking back around his friends and into the kitchen, dumping the uneaten ramen into the garbage and washing the bowl in the sink. 

He failed to notice Jeno's absence when his friends had first barged into his apartment (he regrets telling them where the spare key is), too many bodies and voices merging into one. But when he doesn't hear Jeno give his two cents on the subject at hand, he realizes that it's because he's not here. 

"Take a guess," Renjun says, rolling his eyes as he follows Jaemin into the kitchen. 

"Oh shut up Renjun, as if you're any better," Donghyuck retorts, stealing the words right out of Jaemin's mouth. "Making out with Rachel any chance you get," he continues. 

"Am I gonna defend myself? No. You didn't lie," Renjun says smugly, leaning against the counter in Jaemin's kitchen. "Anyways, we're setting you up on a date."

Jaemin almost drops the bowl he's trying to wash. 

He turns off the tap and leaves the half clean bowl in the sink, turning around to stare at Renjun with a hand on his hip. 

"No," he immediately refuses. "You're not."

"Oh sweetie," Donghyuck sighs, clapping Jaemin on the shoulder. "Yes. We are." 

Sighing, Jaemin turns to his other side, hoping that his favourite dongsaeng will have something to say about this. However, Jisung just smiles at him, proving to Jaemin that, wow, they're all in on this. He thinks it's ridiculous, and he's immensely betrayed by Jisung.

"Jeno should knock some sense into you losers," he snips, glaring cold at Donghyuck and Renjun. 

"Jen, I'll have you know, is completely on board." 

Jaemin feels his mouth parch at Donghyuck's words. 

See, here's where the main issue comes in. 

Because Jaemin isn't against a boyfriend, he'd actually quite like one, not that any of his friends would get to hear him say that. It's just that dating and the whole... Social part of it didn't ever seem appealing to Jaemin. It was his introvert side which kept him from going to frat parties and bars with the sole goal of finding someone, which he never minded until all of his friends found themselves to be in relationships. It was scary, in Jaemin's opinion, getting to know a complete stranger, going out on dates before labelling what they were. And maybe he's just weird, because he's pretty sure he's the only one who's actually scared of dating, but it is what it is and Jaemin can't change anything now, not twenty years into the life he's built himself. 

And yeah, that's a shitty sob story, but it's his and the rest is for later. The reason it's correlated to what his friends' proposition is, is because well...

Jaemin doesn't want a boyfriend if it isn't Jeno. 

Don't even start to berate Jaemin, because he does enough of that on his own. He knows how stupidly, and problematically, cliché it is to end up falling in love with your best friend, but what is Jaemin gonna do about it? The damage is already done, the feelings are already being felt, and his heart is already broken. Along with being problematically in love with Jeno, the latter has a girlfriend. 

Jaemin feels sick to his stomach every time he remembers that his best friend is already in a loving relationship with his girlfriend. It makes guilt twist in his tummy and all the unpleasant feelings mesh together in his heart. He doesn't like the fact that he's in love with Jeno, but at least he's admit it. He can only hope that he can move on from him soon, seeing as he's been trying for the past four years with fail. 

He agrees that it's his own fault that he can't get over Jeno, it's his own fault that the feelings are there in the first place. Totally not the fact that Jeno always keeps a hand on Jaemin's thigh when he drives them places. Of the fact that Jeno still hugs him every time he leaves his apartment. Or the fact that he buys Jaemin his stupidly deadly coffee drink every morning they have a class together. And it most definitely isn't the fact that he drops everything for Jaemin when he's sad. 

Okay, but maybe those are some of the leading factors towards why Jaemin finds himself so in love with Jeno, along with being some of the leading factors towards why he can't bring himself to fall out of love with Jeno. So maybe it is Jeno's fault as much as it is Jaemin's. But for the sake of making himself feel better, he doesn't put the blame on Jeno as much as he should. 

He's not a fan of his one sided feelings, but he's also not a fan of getting to know new people. And going on a date? That's a combination of getting to know a new person while also not getting over his one sided feelings. In the end, that's not fair to the person he'd be seeing, or himself, to be quite frank. 

But of course, this isn't an issue for Jaemin's friends, planning a date for him that is, because they don't have a clue about his feelings for Jeno. And honestly? He plans on keeping it that way. 

He wouldn't want his feelings to create tension or an awkward atmosphere around them, wouldn't want to split the group into 'Team Jaemin' and 'Team Jeno'. 

He knows Jeno already has a girlfriend, Jennie, who's he's been dating for four years already. They're cute, Jaemin can't lie, both being blonde and both having the cutest smiles. Jaemin's, obviously, met Jennie, and she's the sweetest and the purest heart. No wonder Jeno likes her so much. Jaemin likes to say they get along. But after coming to terms with his feelings, seeing Jennie now only made bile rise up in his throat. How could he ever hurt two of the sweetest people he knows? He'd rather disappear off of the face of the Earth than do anything to jeopardize Jeno and Jennie's relationship. 

They're in love. 

And Jaemin just has to come to terms with the fact that what Jeno feels towards Jennie, will never be directed towards him. 

And for sure, the thought stings, quite bad if he thinks about it for too long, but he's Jeno's best friend. And he's supposed to there to support Jeno's life and relationships, not break them apart by falling in love with him. 

Back to the original point though, Jaemin can't go on any dates. He doesn't want to forcefully interact with someone new, and, for the time being, he doesn't want anyone who isn't Jeno. 

"Alright, but I'm not completely on board," Jaemin huffs, going back to washing his half washed ramen bowl. "I appreciate you guys worrying for me, and I get that you get a bit concerned about my well being when you all leave me for your significant others, but really," Jaemin sighs. "I'm fine. I'm happy the way things are. If I wasn't, you guys would know, wouldn't you?"

The words feel bitter rolling off of his tongue, since he's keeping such a big secret from them, hiding his harboured feelings. But that's justifiable, it's valid to hide his feelings for Jeno. At least he thinks it is. 

"But Jaem," Donghyuck whines, nasally and annoying and Jaemin doesn't know how Mark deals with him. "You need your affection."

And damn, Donghyuck knows how to convince him, because it's true. Jaemin does need his affection. He's naturally a clingy person, always showing that he cares for people through hugs and kisses, but with all of his friends being of the taken statuts, sneaking in cuddles and pecks on the cheek without one party feeling uncomfortable was a hassle. The only people who didn't have major problems with his affection were Donghyuck, of course, that's why he's Jaemin's platonic soulmate, Jisung, because Jaemin doesn't let him go until he gets to play with Jisung's cheeks, Mark, occasionally since he can't resist puppy dog eyes from anyone, and Jeno. But, Jaemin tends to refrain from initiating anything physical with Jeno, for obvious reasons. 

"That reason isn't valid enough," Jaemin scoffs, grabbing a dry rag and to wipe the water droplets off of his bowl. 

"Will you go if we tell you who it is? So it's not entirely a blind date?" Chenle asks, seeming exasperated. Jaemin doesn't think Chenle has any reason to be exasperated, but then again, this situation might feel like talking to a brick wall, since his friends don't know about what's running through his head. 

"You can try."

"It's Huang Xuxi."

Jaemin, as much as he hates to admit it, chokes on his saliva. 

Because it's Huang Xuxi. His friends managed to score him a date with Renjun's cousin, Huang Xuxi. Captain of the soccer team, popular amongst the entire campus and stupidly tall and handsome. 

"You—" He splutters, trying to ignore the smug looks Donghyuck and Jisung give him. "Huang Xuxi?" He asks again, clearly flustered with the information. 

Xuxi had just always seemed... Unattainable in Jaemin's eyes. With so many girls and guys already fawning over him and trying their hardest to grab his attention, Jaemin had never really paid him any mind. Sure, he was athletic and handsome as fuck, while also rumoured to be a sweetheart, but he's no Jeno. And as shallow and horrible as it sounds, Jaemin doesn't think he'll take anyone who isn't Jeno, at the moment. Who knows though, maybe Jeno's ruined him for any other boy. He doesn't dwell on that though, he doesn't want to make his friends, who are waiting for an answer, get suspicious. 

"Just one date," he sighs, staring each one of his friends in the eye. "One."

Everyone nods, and Jaemin thinks that one date should be enough to satiate his friends' odd obsession with his love life. 

—

"Date?" 

Jaemin knows that he hasn't been on a date in, what? Two years? But Jeno doesn't need to squawk the information to the entire library. He could kick Jeno, and he does. The elder simply yelps and glares at Jaemin for most probably bruising his shin, but Jaemin glares back twice as hard. 

"It's just a date, relax," he whispers aggressively, going back to his work. He knows it's fruitless, since the second Jeno starts speaking again Jaemin will be automatically drawn to his voice, but he still picks up his highlighter so that can give Jeno the impression of being productive before he manages to steal his attention away again.

"Yes it is!" The older boy whispers back, just as aggressively. "You haven't been on a date since like... The dinosaurs went extinct." 

"Gee thanks. I know I keep to myself, don't make me sound too ancient." He scoffs, rolling his eyes as he tries to actually start working on his notes. Ironically, history notes. 

Out of his peripheral, he can see Jeno wince. 

"That's not what I mean—"

"It's whatever," Jaemin sighs, easily brushing it off with a wave of his hand. "You're not wrong though... I haven't been out in forever."

And here's the thing which Jaemin found most confusing at first. 

Even if Jaemin refuses to initiate any sort of physical contact with Jeno, gets flustered every time they hug or when Jeno puts a hand on his thigh, he finds it disturbingly comfortable talking to Jeno about his feelings. He supposes it's the best friend part of their relationship which overshadows the pining one sided love in these scenarios. Unbeknownst to him, he starts biting on the end of his pink highlighter, being ripped out of his thoughts when Jeno smacks the stationary out of his hands and mouth. 

"Did you even hear what I said?" The older boy whines, bouncing a bit in his seat. Jaemin thinks it's extremely cute, but quickly cuts that thought short when Jeno starts to speak. "Whatever, I have a feeling you didn't. But essentially, just be yourself, you already know that, right? It's the first date, and if they don't like you for you, then that's their problem." Jeno advises wisely, seeming proud of himself at the end, if the nods he gives himself is anything to go by. "Anyone would be a fool to deny you anyways."

You, Lee Jeno, Jaemin thinks as he grabs his highlighter again, looking down at his books in order to hide the slight quirk of his lips, you are the fool. 

—

Jaemin's feels uncharacteristically nervous for his date with Xuxi. Which is weird. He shouldn't be nervous about going on a date with someone he doesn't even like. I mean, the only thing Jaemin knew about Xuxi was that he was super friendly. That was the only non superficial piece of information he had on Xuxi, and it wasn't enough for his stomach to tense and his palms to break into a cold sweat. He thinks he's weird, but he pushes the thought to the back in mind, in favour of pinning his hair to the side, with the aid of Donghyuck's bobby pins. 

Donghyuck had come over with an entire makeup kit and an accessory bag, which Jaemin thought wouldn't be useful at first. But once he saw how bland his outfit, a denim skirt which reached his mid thigh along with a white short sleeve t-shirt which he rolled the sleeves of, looks in the mirror, he realizes he could use the extra materials. So he plays with the eyeshadow, with the little experience he has, and manages to give himself a pretty light pink look. Donghyuck had said it matches his hair, and he's going to have to agree. He decides to also put a bit of the glossy lipgloss on, liking the shine it leaves on his lips. As for accessories, Jaemin only has his lobes pierced along with a helix in one ear, but Donghyuck finds cute little moon crescent studs for his lobes, and a flower chain dangle hoop for his helix. All in all, once he deems himself ready and looks in the mirror, he's going to have to say that he hasn't looked this good in ages. 

He guesses it's the effort he actually put in this time, not simply stepping into skinny jeans or sweats and a t-shirt. 

"You, my best friend, look absolutely breath taking," Donghyuck gushes, hugging around Jaemin's waist. 

"It feels weird," he mumbles, fiddling with the few rings adorning his fingers. 

"It only feels weird because it's been a while since you've went all out." 

And yeah, Donghyuck's right, but he still finds his eyes scanning his reflection anxiously. 

"Let's go show Jeno!" Donghyuck suddenly exclaims, grabbing Jaemin's hand. 

Panic starts to rise in his throat. 

"What?" He simply blurts out, proud of himself for managing to not seem as affected by the phrase, even if his heart was thumping at the idea of Jeno seeing him dressed like this. "What is he doing here?" 

"What? You didn't think your best friend would be here to hype you up before your first date in forever?"

And yeah, when you put it like that, it sounds like something any supportive best friend would do. But when Jaemin wants to go on a date with Jeno instead of the person he's gotten so dolled up for, it makes Jaemin want to puke his insides out. 

As much as Jaemin loves his skirts, his makeup and his fishnets, Jeno's never seen him decked out in any of it. It became a little hobby at first, trying on clothes, which he'd never be confident enough to pull off in the public, in the secure confinements of his apartment. However, Donghyuck had walked in on him once, hence explaining why Jaemin's seen more often in skirts rather than jeans. It makes him feel nice, and he's grateful for Donghyuck. 

Just not in this moment. 

This moment, where he's dragging him to Jeno, who's apparently in his living room, who's also never seen Jaemin in a full skirt getup. Whenever he wears skirts, it's always and only to classes. He's petrified of the idea of people other than peers around his age seeing his choice of fashion, so whenever the group of friends hang out publicly, he's wearing track pants, sweats, or jeans. It's his first date in a while though, and Donghyuck had convinced him to go with his skirt. 

He stumbles into the living room, tripping on the white tennis shoes he has laid out to wear before leaving. Jeno turns his head at the noise, blinking dozens of times once his eyes land on Jaemin. The younger is clearly flustered, fiddling with his hands as he gazes at his white sock clad feet instead of Jeno. With the older boy staring at him with such intensity, Jaemin doesn't think he'll be able to make it. 

"Wow," Jeno finally murmurs, getting up from where he's been sitting on the couch. He walks right up to Jaemin, bending his head down so that he could make eye contact the younger, who's still looking down at his feet. "You look really pretty, Jaemin."

And Jaemin hates how his heart flutters at the words, he hates how much his heartbeat thumps, and he hates how he feels warm all over. He shouldn't be thinking about Jeno's words this way, but it's hard not to over analyze everything Jeno does with him when he's in love. 

"T-Thanks," the squeaks out, and goddamnit he couldn't even make a bigger fool out of himself if he tried. 

Feeling self conscious under Jeno's gaze, Jaemin finds himself pulling his skirt down lower, enough the cover the stretch marks which are prominent on his mid thighs. Jeno seems to catch the action, and if the way he grabs onto Jaemin's wrist is anything to go by, he doesn't approve. 

"Stop that," he reprimands, eyes now boring softly into Jaemin's. The latter hates how he feels affection coming from Jeno's gaze, how he feels loved when he looks into his best friend's eyes. Because Jeno does love him, that's for sure, but Jaemin knows that it's not in the way he wants it to be. Which makes him berate himself for taking Jeno's simple and platonic affection out of context. "You look great." 

And Jaemin has to be at least four feet away from Jeno before his heart bursts out of his chest. Or before it starts thumping loud enough for Jeno to hear it. 

Thankfully, Donghyuck comes to the rescue with his makeup kit packed and in tow. 

"Your date's in twenty minutes," he announces, swiftly snatching Jaemin away from Jeno by looping their arms together. "I'll drop you off on the way home. You're meeting at the diner for lunch, right?" 

Jaemin feels all of the timidness which he felt around Jeno dissipate as Donghyuck asks him that question. He's bent down to put on his shoes as he answers Donghyuck. 

"I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who set us up," Jaemin mocks, tying his white laces together. When he looks back up at Donghyuck, he can see him pursing his lips at him, which only prompts Jaemin to stick his tongue out like a three year old. 

"I can't believe you," Donghyuck scoffs, looking back at Jeno. "Lock up when you leave, you know where the spare key is." 

"Thanks for speaking on behalf of my apartment," Jaemin says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "But yeah, what he said." 

Donghyuck snorts, and opens the front door, ushering Jaemin out. 

The last thing Jaemin hears before the door closes behind them is,

"Good luck Jaeminnie! You're gonna get yourself a boyfriend!"

—

Here's the thing about Xuxi; even if you don't like him, you like him. 

That's just the kind of person he is, Jaemin learns. He's naturally charming, all smiles with a boisterous laugh. He's quite charismatic too, always having something to say and always keeping the mood up. He isn't overbearing either, respects personal time and space, and honestly, Jaemin thinks he's a catch. 

Xuxi is really amicable, and Jaemin thinks that if he wasn't so completely infatuated with Jeno, things could've gone somewhere. He's made that pretty clear with Xuxi, that even though he'd gladly fall in love with him in another lifetime, in this one, he's pining over his best friend. Xuxi understands, of course he does, and they exchange numbers while promising to keep in contact. 

Jaemin thinks it could be fun, hanging out with Xuxi alone or with their group of friends. He's a people person, so he'd get along with everyone, no doubt. 

When Jaemin unlocks the front door of his apartment, he's immediately greeted by a bouncy, energetic puppy. 

Jeno hasn't left. 

"Huh?" Jaemin questions, trying to push down the fluttering in his stomach, because Jeno had instantly greeted him with a hug. "What're you still doing here?" 

"I waited!" He explains enthusiastically, holding Jaemin by the shoulders and guiding them to the living room couch. He seems excited, his eyes shining while his hair bounces with every jump he takes. "So I could be the first one to hear about your date."

And it's the moments like this where Jaemin has to think about his choices, very carefully. 

Jeno has always been by his side. And Jaemin doesn't have any doubts towards Jeno leaving his side any time soon, to be honest. Jeno always wants to be the first one to hear about Jaemin's troubles, to congratulate Jaemin on the little and big victories in his life. He's been Jaemin's number one supporter through his entire life, if he's being honest, and always gets sulky whenever he tells Renjun or Donghyuck something before he tells him. It's endearing, that Jeno cares so much and wants to play an avid part in his life, but as much as it flatters him, it also isn't good for his heart. 

Jeno treating him like a priority... It really makes him feel special. It makes him feel validated and that he's okay to boast about the big things, to cry over the small things. Jeno makes Jaemin feel comfortable and safe, and that's not something a lot of other people can make him feel. Jeno's naturally sweet and loyal personality makes Jaemin want to kiss his face all over, even if he knows the smartest decision would be to hold back. 

Jaemin knows that if he were to tell Jeno about his feelings, come clean about harbouring them since freshman year if high school, then Jeno's going to understand and remain his friend. He knows that for a fact, since that's just who Jeno was. He wouldn't let something like this affect their friendship, he's always told Jaemin about how their bond is the most precious to him. Jaemin agrees with him wholeheartedly, except that he thinks Jeno is the most precious to him. 

Essentially, nothing would change if Jeno knew about Jaemin's feelings. But that doesn't make Jaemin feel any better. Knowing that Jaemin liked him, he'd still be dating Jennie, still he sleeping in Jennie's bed and still be giving Jennie all his love, and he'd feel bad. Jaemin knows he'd feel bad, feel obligated to comfort Jaemin and make sure that the younger was okay before going back to his relationship, because Jeno prioritizes Jaemin. And that's not what he wants. From day one, since Jeno had asked Jennie to be his girlfriend, Jaemin promised himself he wouldn't let his feelings or himself get in between their relationship. He'd never forgive himself if he were to cause any type of rift between them. 

"So?" Jeno asks, breaking Jaemin out of his thoughts. He's been zoning out a lot lately, always needing someone to break him out of his reveries. "How was it? Was Xuxi nice?" 

Jaemin hums, sending Jeno a small smile. They're sitting beside each other on the couch, their thighs and knees touching. Jeno's eyes are big and bright with curiosity and Jaemin wishes he could stare into them all day without it being weird. 

"He's really nice. We exchanged numbers too." 

Jeno releases a squeal at that, and Jaemin feels just the slightest bit more heartbroken. He knows that Jeno's just excited for him, but the thought that he could be happy for Jaemin meeting a new guy, makes ugly feelings settle low in his stomach. He wishes that maybe Jeno was against this, that he didn't want Jaemin to find someone. But he's simply delusional wishing for those thoughts to become true, feeding his lowlife fantasies. Jeno is in love with Jennie. He just doesn't know how to face it yet. 

"Is there a second date? Oh please tell me there is!"

As excited as Jeno is for him, Jaemin wishes he would just shut up. 

"Xuxi and I are really good friends." He settles on mumbling, picking at the hem of his skirt. Jeno's eyebrows furrow at his words, he can see that from his peripheral. 

"Huh?" He questions, making his signature confused sound which always sends Jaemin's heart into overdrive. Today is no exception. "Friends?" He squawks, in true Jeno fashion. 

"Yeah," Jaemin says quietly, clearing his throat and getting up from the couch. "We're really good friends now." He makes his way to his bedroom, wanting to change out of his shoes and skirt. He felt cute leaving his apartment, but staying in denim, even if it was a skirt, for extended periods of time just wasn't appealing to Jaemin. He registers Jeno's footsteps behind him, following him to his bedroom, and he knows that their conversation isn't over. 

"But this was a date?" Jeno says, seeming to question himself while asking. "How can you not have a second date if you hit it off?"

Jaemin rolls his eyes, unbuttoning the three front buttons on his skirt. This was another thing which came as a bit of a shock to Jaemin. He doesn't mind changing in front of Jeno, he doesn't mind when Jeno sees his skin. They've done practically everything together, since they've grown up together. Their moms used to bath them together for fuck's sake, and as much as it makes the both of them cringe right now, it happened, and Jeno and Jaemin are both ridiculously comfortable with each other. For sure, he always feels insecure about his stretch mark or his acne scars, but those are some insecurities he has no matter who sees his body. The difference is, with Jeno he knows that the other isn't going to say anything to poke at his insecurities. He guesses it's comforting in a way, and for sure, makes his heart beat violently against his rib cage. 

"Jeno," Jaemin sighs, throwing his skirt somewhere in the room and pulling on his favourite black sweats. He strips off his t-shirt, opting to put on a sweatshirt which probably belongs to Jisung, but he has no clue anymore. "Have you ever thought that, I don't know, I don't want to be in a relationship right now?" 

Jaemin himself knows that it's a lie, but he couldn't say that he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, unless it was with Jeno. 

But when he turns around after taking the bobby pins out of his hair, Jeno is gaping at him. 

"What?" He asks, suddenly feeling self conscious about the words he'd said. When he doesn't get an answer for a few seconds, he walks around Jeno and into the bathroom. "Don't look at me like that." 

Jeno wordlessly follows Jaemin into the bathroom, watching as the younger takes out his makeup remover, cotton pads and whatever else he needed for his skincare routine. He always thought Jaemin was really good at makeup, even if he decided for a simpler look today.

"Don't you get lonely?" Jeno finally asks, sitting on the lid of the toilet and watching Jaemin scoff as he pours his makeup remover onto a cotton pad. His eyes stay focused on the mirror so that Jeno won't be able to tell that he's lying. Jeno does that sometimes, is able to see right through Jaemin if he looks into the latter's eyes long enough. It always makes Jaemin's heart melt because Jeno knows him so well, but it also makes his knees weak because of the intensity of the older boy's gaze. 

"Jen, I'm gonna he honest with you," Jaemin starts using the voice he normally uses when explaining something to his niece. His niece is two years old. "I'm tired of hearing that." 

Jeno doesn't know what to say to that, he's rendered speechless. He's just watching Jaemin remove all his makeup, seeing the dark spots on his skin, along with the little scar under his eye, resurface. 

"Well, we're just worried—"

"I know," Jaemin sighs, rubbing a serum into his face. 

Jeno thinks his skin looks dewy.

"But lay off a bit?" He quips, wincing a bit at how harsh the words sounds. "No, I just mean," he sighs, not seeming to find the right words. "I appreciate your concern. Just please don't overdue it. All I feel like is a burden to you guys if you try so hard to keep me busy." 

And this, this is the reason why Jeno and Jaemin are best friends. He wouldn't dare speak any of these words into existence if it were around Chenle, Jisung or Mark. Heck, he wouldn't even think about speaking it into existence around Donghyuck and Renjun. But with Jeno, it's different, as it always is. He feels comfortable with him, as he always does. He doesn't feel the need to hide anything from Jeno, besides the obvious. Once again, these are just a few of the reasons why Jaemin is completely head over heels for this boy. 

"No," Jeno answers, almost whining. "Don't feel like that, please. You're not burdensome at all." 

And this is where Jaemin thinks it's fun to play with Jeno. Their banter and humour was always similar, so Jaemin didn't really have to worry about actually upsetting the older boy. He smiles a little as he takes his time applying moisturizer in the mirror. 

"It's okay Jen. I have Xuxi now, so you guys can all go on dates and if I get too lonely, I'll hang out with him," he sighs, talking in pout. Donghyuck had once told him that he finds Jaemin the cutest when he talks in pout, so of course he does it occasionally with Jeno. 

"Jaem," Jeno whines, seeming to understand the humour in Jaemin's tone. The latter simply smiles to himself in the mirror, knowing that Jeno can see it by looking at his side profile. "You know I love being with you."

Jaemin's smile almost falls off of his face at those words, but he's used to these off handed statements, so he manages to keep it on without a fault. It's words like these and when he says them that Jeno doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know that he's making Jaemin feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and the younger guesses it's for the better anyways. Until he learns to move on, he'll keep all these little tidbits to himself. 

"Well, that's good to know. I love being with you too." Jaemin admits, and he knows, that even if he says it to Jeno's face, the latter will never know the true implications behind his words. And he guesses he's fine with that. For now, at least.

Once Jaemin's done with whatever he needs to take care of in the bathroom, Jeno follows him out into the bedroom. He sits himself down on Jaemin's bed as the younger cleans up some of the clothes he has laying on the floor. Jeno seems to make himself comfortable on Jaemin's bed, laying down under the covers cuddling one of the younger's Ryan plushies to his chest. Jaemin doesn't question it, he's quite used to Jeno crashing his bed. They used to have sleepovers all the time as teenagers, seeing as they lived in the neighbourhood. But since college has started, they've limited the number of sleepovers they have monthly simply because of the stress of their studies, as well as Jeno and Jennie wanting to experience all the clichés campus couples are expected to do. Jaemin doesn't blame them; if he were dating Jeno, he'd want to do all those clichés as well. If it's Lee Jeno, it's only natural. 

"Are you staying the night?" Jaemin asks, just for good measure. He wouldn't wanna assume just to be embarrassed. It hasn't happened before, but Jaemin always likes to think, better safe than sorry. 

"If you don't mind," the older boy answers. 

"I have a class at 9:00 am."

"That's fine. Mine's at 11:00 am. I'll lock up before I leave." Jeno mumbles sleepily into the plushy. 

Jaemin crawls into bed, leaving the expected few inches between them. He knows it's fruitless, but he always does it just to be safe. He wouldn't want to come off as... Overbearing. 

But, as expected, Jeno whines and tugs Jaemin's body closer to his own, arm around his waist and chests flush. Jeno rests his head on the younger's, whispering goodnight before succumbing to his drowsiness.

Jaemin, however, is still awake, like he normally is for about an hour before he finally tires himself to sleep by thinking too much. He had asked Jeno about this the first time it happened after he started dating Jennie, and Jeno just says that he doesn't really care if he has a girlfriend or not, that he could still cuddle with his best friend. And Jaemin guesses that really does make sense, and it's not Jeno's fault for thinking this is all innocent and platonic, when it's not, but only for Jaemin. It's valid, and completely normal to cuddle with your best friend. They're not your best friend for no reason. And normally, you're not in love with your best friend, so once again, Jaemin is ready to put the blame on himself. 

But if he can shamelessly spend a few nights a month cuddled into Jeno's warmth, then he will. It's not abnormal for them, it's rather reoccurring, to the point where it's expected. Everyone knows they're touchy, even if it is Jeno who initiates all their interaction ninety percent of the time. 

So he wills his brain to shut up, closing his eyes and focusing on Jeno's heartbeat which stays rhythmic against his ear. 

Jaemin can only hope that one day, Jeno's heartbeat doesn't make him feel complete. 

— 

But that's wishful thinking. 

Which is why he's more than excited for the biweekly meetup Donghyuck had planned. Don't get him wrong, he's normally happy to hang out with his friends, but he really needed the distraction this week. He's abnormally hyper as he heads out of his apartment with Jisung, who agreed to meet up and drive them, since Jaemin had decided to pre game and drink a few shots from his whiskey bottle. They're just hanging out at Donghyuck and Mark's flat, playing board games and watching movies, a pretty bland biweekly meetup this time, but Jaemin didn't mind getting a little drunk since they were only going to Donghyuck and Mark's. 

Jisung, however, hates dealing with a drunk Jaemin. He would ask Jeno to haul Jaemin's ass to Mark and Donghyuck's, but he's coming with Jennie so he doesn't want to bother him. 

Jisung frowns as he drives down a quiet road, thinking about how everyone will be at Mark and Donghyuck's with their significant other. It doesn't make him feel good, watching everyone pair off or everyone sitting beside someone specific during movies and meals, just to have Jaemin be the one who's in the middle. He feels bad for his hyung sometimes, but he also remembers that his hyung doesn't want his pity. 

That doesn't stop him from feeling bad though. 

"Jaemin hyung, we're here," Jisung announces once he's parked the car. He looks over at Jaemin, who's staring out the window with his mouth agape. Jisung doesn't know what he's staring at, since the scenic view outside the window is a red brick wall. His hyung is tipsy at best, downing three shots of whiskey before they left. But he admits, after seeing Jaemin's alcohol induced state many times, that he's a cute drunk. Gets super clingy, sentimental and honest when he's intoxicated. It's not as bad as it could be, but he remember when drunk Jaemin had made Mark cry once because he told Mark about how Donghyuck had felt when he was going through his dude bro phase and had a girlfriend. Yeah. Those weren't the best times, Jisung will admit. 

When he doesn't get an answer from Jaemin, Jisung sighs and gets out of the car, going around to Jaemin's side and opening the door for him. He also unbuckles the elder's seatbelt, moving his gaze to Jaemin's face once he's done. The older boy's staring at Jisung with the biggest puppy dog he's ever seen.

"You grew up so handsome Jisung," Jaemin sighs, smiling a bit at the flush which crawls it's way up the younger's neck. "What a gentleman too." He teases lightly, sleepily blinking before helping himself out of the car. He holds onto Jisung's arm just so that he won't stumble, and he's grateful that the younger also as an arm around his waist for the same reason. 

They make their way into the lobby of Mark and Donghyuck's apartment after a slow walk, and find themselves in an elevator not too long after. 

In the elevator, Jaemin lays his head on Jisung's shoulder, admiring the younger's soft cheeks and pretty little eyelashes from this angle. 

"Are you gonna drive me home too?" He asks, and Jisung shrugs lightly. 

"I can, if you want." He answer easily, sending a small smile to Jaemin. 

"Okay. That's good. Thank you. Because I'm drinking tonight," he half heartedly explains, humming low in his throat at the thought of finally relaxing after what feels like forever, but was probably only three weeks. 

Jisung sighs, knocking on the door of Donghyuck and Mark's apartment. Jaemin is putting most of his body weight into the younger, and Jisung doesn't understand why. Jaemin's always joked about how he was built like a noodle, so he doesn't know why Jaemin, who's built like a carton of strawberry milk, is leaning onto him. It makes him mentally huff, since he wouldn't dare speak the fact that he can't handle his hyung's weight into existence. 

The door opens, Mark greets them enthusiastically, and Jaemin barely toes off his shoes before he's finding the liquor bottles displayed on the kitchen counter. He doesn't bother getting a cup, taking a bottle of semi hard liquor for himself. It shouldn't be a problem, their entire friend group knows how he can nurse an entire bottle of seventy percent alcohol just fine. 

"Jaemin!" 

Jennie. 

Jaemin takes a large swig of liquor before turning around and facing the girl. She's smaller than him, in stature, weight, and height. However, he finds them pretty similar personality wise. Just like Jaemin, Jennie enjoys alone time and simple nights in. She also prefers coffee over tea, comfortable clothes over fashionable and extravagant hair colours over natural. Just like Jaemin, Jennie is bubbly and always tries to put a smile on everybody's face, always has something nice to say about someone. 

Jaemin honestly thinks that Jennie is perfect. Way too perfect. So perfect, that she's snatched up Lee Jeno. Because Lee Jeno only deserves perfect, and Jaemin didn't think he'd ever settle for anything less. And he didn't. Because Jennie is perfect. Perfect Jennie Kim and perfect Jeno Lee. 

They're perfect. 

"Jennie!" He exclaims, just as enthusiastic as he hugs the girl. They've always been close ever since Jeno had introduced them, Jaemin being the one to initiate their friendship. He claimed to himself that he'd rather be friends with Jennie so that it'd lessen the chance of him hating her. Not that he does anyways. Not that he could. 

"It's been so long," Jennie says, and it isn't a lie. Jaemin and Jennie haven't seen each other in person for about two weeks, which is a long time considering how many different ways they're interwoven through friends, classes and such. Glancing behind Jennie for a moment, Jaemin fails to recognize anyone except for Chenle, Renjun, and his girlfriend Rachel. He briefly notes that Jeno is dating Jennie and that Renjun is dating Rachel, but doesn't think about too much before tucking it into the back of his head. He does, however, still laugh at the observation. 

Jaemin takes another sip of the liquor, relishing in the way it burns while sliding down his throat. 

"You're so pretty Jennie," he compliments, smoothing down the left side of her hair. She's been growing it out, re-dyeing the roots blonde every time a half inch grows out, and it's so pretty. So pretty on Jennie, because blonde suits her so well. "So cute!" He adds with a giggle. And even though he'd blatantly compliment Jennie while he was sober, it was clear to him that the alcohol was catching up to his system. He's never this touchy with Jennie, but he can't help but throw an arm around her and guide them to the couch. They sit and talk about multiple different odd subjects, laughing and just catching up. Jennie tells Jaemin about a few dates she and Jeno have been on recently, asks about what she should her Jeno for their two year, and if she notices how Jaemin takes a drink every time she mentions Jeno's name, she doesn't say anything. 

By the time an hour has passed, Jaemin has finished the entire bottle of liquor, and it's obvious at this point that he's drunk. 

He excuses himself from the couch and goes to the kitchen, in hopes of finding himself another liquor bottle. There's clearly multiple still available, everyone seeming to have reached for the beer cans instead. Jaemin doesn't know why, he deems his friends tasteless, before his fingers clasp around the neck of a slim cherry flavoured liquor. Although it should be disgusting, Jaemin's had the flavour before and he's particularity fond of it. 

Before he can take a swig out of the mouth of the bottle, it's taken from his hands and replaced the familiar feeling of a semi cool can. 

"Drink beer." 

Jeno.

Jaemin whines, putting the beer down and trying to reach for his liquor bottle which Jeno holds over his head. Theoretically, Jaemin should be able to reach it, since he and Jeno are the same height. The latter's only taller by a centimetre, but he always seems to, annoyingly, use it to his advantage. 

"Stop it," he says, and he knows he's pouting. He always does when he doesn't know any better, and Donghyuck likes to call it his intoxicated defence mechanism. Intoxicated because he'd never pout to get his way in front of Lee Jeno if he was sober. "You're no fun."

Jeno snorts, placing the bottle of liquor on top of the fridge. He had to use his tippy toes in order to safely put the bottle there, so of course Jaemin, drunk, wouldn't be able to successfully retrieve it. 

"Tell me something I don't know," the older boy says, placing the can of beer in Jaemin's hands. "Drink this if you want. No more liquor for you." 

"All you do is kill the fun," Jaemin complains, chugging the beer nonetheless. Jeno has to scoff at that. 

"All I'm doing is making sure you don't feel like shit in the morning, or puke your guts out. A simple thank you would be appreciated."

Jaemin just huffs, walking out of the kitchen with his now lukewarm beer. It tastes disgusting lukewarm, but Jeno won't let him have anything else. Besides, beer was the second most concentrated drink Mark and Donghyuck have in their apartment at the moment. 

Once he's out of the kitchen, with Jeno following silently behind him, he finds Jennie again, who's sitting on the couch on her phone. Jaemin skips over to her, settling himself down on the couch where he was before trekking to the kitchen. At the presence of something weighing down the couch, Jennie looks up to find Jaemin sitting down next to her, and Jeno walking towards them. 

She smiles bright, and Jaemin, in his drunken state of mind, thinks that it's for him and not the male behind him. 

"You went to get beer from the kitchen?" She asks, confused as she spots the can, and rightfully so. Jaemin isn't a fan of beer, going for liquors when he wants to drink and wines when he wants a casual drink. At parties, he never goes for the beer, preferring the whiskey and the harder stuff.

"Don't insult me," he scoffs as a response, words already staring to slur together. 

"I made him," Jeno answers, seating himself down on the other side of Jennie. He instinctively wraps an arm around Jennie's waist, and Jaemin wants to throw up. Maybe it's the sight in front of him, or maybes it's the alcohol in his system. Either way, he mentally gives himself ten minutes before he throws up all over Mark and Donghyuck's couch. Or maybe he'll control himself a bit better and throw up on their floor instead. He doesn't want to owe them a new couch or anything. "He's gonna thank me when he wakes up." He sighs, sending Jennie a soft smile before pecking her nose. 

And this is the thing. Jaemin has seen all of his friends kiss before. He's seen Renjun and Donghyuck kiss, drunk at a party, Renjun and Rachel, he's seen Mark and Donghyuck kiss, Jisung and Chenle kiss, heck, he's even seen Jeno kiss Mark. But he doesn't know why seeing Jeno and Jennie kiss makes him feel so weird. It can't be because Jeno's kissing a girl, he sees Renjun shove his tongue down Rachel's throat all the time, because he doesn't know when to stop being gross with his girlfriend, and after the initial nausea that comes with the sight, he feels happy for his friends. But Jeno and Jennie? Jaemin wishes he was as contented for them as he was for all his other friends. And it sounds horrible to say, especially because he supports Jeno and Jennie's relationship, but when it comes to public displays of affection... Jaemin guesses there's only so much he can take. 

So he finishes his can of beer, tossing it aside somewhere. He doesn't care too much about where he threw it, since everyone helps cleanup the next day. 

"Do you want another?" Jeno asks, already knowing the answer the back of his mind. He still gives Jaemin the option though, but he doesn't know why. It's like he's going to make the right decision while he's already drunk off of liquor and beer. 

"Yeah," the younger answers, surprised when Jeno hands him one. He gives the older boy a skeptical look, opening the can and taking large gulps nonetheless. 

"You're predictable," is all the explanation he gets, leaning back into the couch. 

Jaemin thinks that if Jeno thinks that he's predictable he should know about his feelings already. But he doesn't, and Jaemin feels like he's intruding on a moment he's not supposed to be apart of. 

So he gets up silently, Jeno and Jennie are too into a conversation that they're having anyways, and he finds his way to Donghyuck, who's sitting at the dining table alone. Mark's probably somewhere on the balcony listening to Renjun babble about the stars, since that always seems to happen at one point when they hang out. 

Jaemin sits down next to Donghyuck, immediately putting his head on the other's shoulder. Donghyuck, absolutely un-phased, continues doing whatever he was doing on his phone, trying to ignore the way Jaemin smells heavily of alcohol. 

"You went for our liquor again, didn't you?" Donghyuck asks, and it doesn't sound accusatory. It sounds disappointed, if anything. Jaemin doesn't know why Donghyuck would be disappointed in him, is it because the liquor is expensive? Probably, he might want to start paying Donghyuck back for those. 

"I'll pay you back," he slurs against the golden skin of the older boy. He takes another swig of beer, blinking his eyes tiredly against Donghyuck's neck. "'M sorry for drinking your expensive alcohol." 

Donghyuck sighs, finally putting his phone down. His leg is bouncing up and down, but it stops the moment he decides to twiddle his thumbs instead. Donghyuck seems nervous, Jaemin's brain supplies, but he doesn't know why Donghyuck would be nervous around Jaemin, let alone around Jaemin who, currently, barely has any grasp on reality. 

"Jaemin," he calls out quietly, turning his head to see the mop of pink hair on his shoulder. Jaemin's eyes are shut, but the older boy knows he's awake by how his eyes twitch every few seconds. The younger hums, acknowledging Donghyuck. "You're messed up." 

Jaemin doesn't know what could've prompted Donghyuck to say those words, or what those words mean, if he's being honest. He just knows that Donghyuck isn't wrong. The implications behind the older's honest words can wait, because for once, Jaemin feels noticed. Feels cared for and feels like someone is keeping an eye on him. An eye which can see past his bullshit. Not that he has a lot, but just enough to point where in his weakest moment; he wishes someone would comment on him. 

"Yeah," he says, lifting his head off of Donghyuck's shoulder and blinking blearily up at him. "Thanks for noticing." And in some odd and twisted way, Jaemin means it. 

"What's going on with you?" The older boy asks, brushing Jaemin's pink bangs out of his face. His hair has gotten longer, his roots starting to grow out. It still looks good, and of course Jaemin of all people manages to make grown out pink hair look adorable. "Every time we go out, you insist on getting blackout drunk. Is there something you're not telling us?"

Jaemin giggles, a bit too happy and muddled with the fact that someone figured it out. He's shocked it isn't Jisung though, he does spend the most time with the youngest in their friend group anyways. Either way, he's happy someone finally took enough interest into him to know that he's been burying his feelings in all the alcohol and numbness that comes with it at their hangouts. Sure, he feels like absolute crap the next morning, but he doesn't mind it that much if that means he can finally breathe the night before. 

"I'm worried," Donghyuck adds, finally looking Jaemin in his eyes. "If this is something serious—"

And oh. 

Donghyuck's talking about him potentially becoming an alcoholic. Well, if he's been watching one of his friends drown themselves in liquor every time he sees them, he'd also be somewhat concerned. So he gets it, but he decides to point a finger blatantly in the direction of Jeno and Jennie. 

"It's his fault," he slurs, taking his eyes off of the couple once his muddled eyes realize that they're kissing. He feels his eyes water, and he deems himself as stupid. 

He never cries over his stupid feelings, never gives into actually feeling sad over the fact that he can never have Jeno. But it hurts and he's not going to lie to the only person who's bothered asking him what's wrong, especially because he's drunk and can't make the right decisions that will benefit his future self. 

It hurts knowing the person you love can be so happy, without you. And yeah, Jeno doesn't know that he's hurting Jaemin, but when the latter is in his feelings, rationality is thrown out the window. 

"What?" Donghyuck asks quietly, not fully understanding. "Have you and Jeno been fighting?" 

And oh God, Jaemin wishes they were fighting. He wishes they were fighting, because that's better than fighting with himself. It's probably easier than shouting with his head all day, and berating his heart for its choice. 

"No. You don't understand," Jaemin whines, high in the back of his throat and embarrassing if he was sober. He hides his head in his arms on the table, sobbing his stupid and drunken feelings into them. "I love him. I really do." 

And he comes out muffled, probably inaudible, but Donghyuck catches it. He catches it, and in his head, all the puzzle pieces come together, everything makes sense. 

"Since when?" He asks softly, watching the younger with his concerned eyes. 

Jaemin brings his head out of his arms, cheeks wet, eyes red and voice watery. He looks so sad, and this, Donghyuck thinks, is the part of Jaemin he wants no one to see. 

The younger sends him a small smile, so small that it looks almost sad. And if Donghyuck's being honest, he probably is really sad. 

"Freshman. High school," he answers, smile faltering and bottom lip wobbling. "You don't get it," he adds, letting his tears slip and letting himself break. "Donghyuck, I love him so much." 

—

Jaemin regrets telling Donghyuck a month later. 

They didn't talk about that night after Jaemin had woken up with a ridiculous hangover the next day. They didn't talk about it when Jaemin helped clean up, when they had a group gathering the next two times, or when they've hung out in between. 

But the subtle glances speak more than words do. The way Donghyuck had held his hand under the table when they were eating dinner last week speaks louder in volume than anything he could've said. Jaemin also already knows what Donghyuck has to say about the situation, more or less. He knows he's pitiful, dug himself ten feet under his grave, needs to get over what he's feeling because Jeno and Jennie are the happiest they could be. He knows that there isn't really a solution to this, and he's accepted that. Somewhat. A bit. Okay, maybe not at all, but he's getting there! 

It's a month after the night he spilt his secret though, that Donghyuck actually acts upon his knowledge. 

They're not at a biweekly gathering, it's actually just Donghyuck, Jeno, Renjun and Chenle who are over at his apartment. They all finished the one class they share together, and Jaemin had invited them over for dinner. He didn't even bother asking Mark or Jisung if they'd like to come, the two of them have club activities scheduled for Wednesdays. 

"Can I invite Jennie?" Jeno had asked, looking up at Jaemin with the puppy dog eyes which Jaemin always ends up saying yes to. He can't help it, not when Jeno looks so cute and so expecting and so, so adorable that Jaemin wouldn't be able to live with himself if he was the reason why the look was wiped of off the older boy's face. 

"Oh? Rachel too?" Renjun asks from somewhere behind him. Jaemin is about to say yes to the both of them, since he can't say yes to Jeno and no to Renjun, even if the latter didn't ask with puppy dog eyes. 

But Donghyuck speaks before he can.

"Boys' night," he says, shrugging as he walks into the living room with a bottle of water in his hands. "You can suck faces with Rachel when you're not with us." He adds, natural to his snarky personality. And since it comes from Donghyuck, everyone knows that his words aren't anything out of the ordinary. 

Which is also, why they drop the subject. 

Jaemin sends Donghyuck a thoughtful glance, only earning a wink in return. 

Maybe if he had told someone else about his feelings for Jeno, they wouldn't keep it as mum as Donghyuck had.

Perhaps letting his secret slip to Donghyuck isn't a bad thing after all. 

—

Princess. 

Jeno's starting to call Jaemin princess. 

And he doesn't know how much more of it his weak heart can handle. It's stupidly endearing, ridiculously soft, and makes the younger's heart beat so loudly in his chest. It makes Jaemin feel warm, makes Jaemin feel like an actual princess. For what reason, he doesn't know. All he knows that if Jeno calls him princess one more time, he might start bawling, regardless of where they are. 

Hearing Jeno call Jaemin endearing names always makes him feel some type of way, even though most of the time Jeno lets them slip as a joke. To Jaemin, however, they're the sweetest names Jeno has ever addressed him by. 

Jaemin's out at a café, getting some last minute homework done. It's already 9:30pm, and he's uncharacteristically tired at his hour. He's usually a night owl, not getting a wink of sleep until the early hours of the morning. Today, however, he's ready to drop before he's even done giving his essay a final once over. He's tempted to half ass a final glance, but he knows that with the amount of sleep in his system, companied with how delirious he feels, he shouldn't trust whatever mumbo jumbo he's typed into his essay. The deadline is 11:00pm anyways, so he has enough time. 

He's halfway through his five thousand word assignment when a waiter walks up to him, a familiar looking coffee order in his hands.

"A gentleman ordered this for you," he says once he notices the look of confusion on Jaemin's face. "Paid for it as well." He adds with a chuckle when he notices Jaemin reach for his wallet. Before Jaemin can ask who it's from, the waiter walks away, and Jaemin is sitting there, staring at the coffee, which is apparently his, apprehensively. What if it was poisoned? What if that 'gentleman' just wanted to kill him? Jaemin doesn't have any enemies, he's sure of that, he's always on everyone's good side. Actually, if he thinks about it, there was this one time when—

"You can drink it," someone says, interrupting his thoughts. He lifts his eyes from the coffee cup, making eye contact with Jeno. "It's not poisoned or anything."  
Jaemin would be scared at how Jeno had assured him of exactly what he was thinking, but then again, Jeno hasn't been his best friend for over two decades for nothing. "Stop looking at me like that." Jeno laughs, sitting down on the chair in front of Jaemin. 

"Why are you here?" Jaemin asks, tentatively taking a sip of the coffee. Once nothing in is system starts shutting down, even though that's not how poison immediately works, he deems the drink safe enough and starts chugging. This emits a snort from Jeno, who the younger just glares at before speaking. "Answer my question." 

"I was just on my way home from Jennie's. I saw you, and you looked lonely." 

Ah. There it is. 

Jaemin guesses it's different when Jeno calls him lonely versus when other people call him lonely. From Jeno, it hits him a bit more. Probably because of his feelings, but Jaemin wishes the reason wasn't as shallow as that. 

Which is probably why he snaps a bit, if he's being honest. 

"You don't have to be here you know," Jaemin scoffs, looking back down at his laptop screen. "You're not obligated." 

Perhaps it comes out a bit too aggressive, since Jeno is looking at him with those owlishly wide eyes. He blinks a few times, as if processing what Jaemin had said. In the mean time, the younger tries to distract himself by trying to go back to his work, but he knows his efforts are in vain, no matter how hard he tries. Something about him just can't ignore Jeno when the latter is in his presence. And more often than not, it's the tick of his which annoys him the most. 

"Are you alright?" Comes the gentle question, a few seconds of silence later. 

Jaemin can tell that the question is genuine, but it still sits ugly in his stomach. Of course he's alright. Jeno's only asking because Jaemin dared to show a bit of how he truly feels. It makes Jaemin question how well Jeno really does know him after so long, but he knows he shouldn't berate the older boy for this. Jaemin is the one who keeps his secret hidden so well, Jeno shouldn't take the fall for Jaemin's own feelings, and how he deals with them. 

"Yes," the younger says curtly, probably not as convincing, but Jeno seems to get the implication behind the word. 

"You know I don't feel obligated to be around you, right? You're my best friend." 

Jaemin knows this, knows this damn well, which is why he always yells at himself in his head for acting upon his pent up feelings. Jeno doesn't deserve the younger's words coming out of left field, doesn't deserve to have to deal with Jaemin and his own issues. Granted, Jeno and Jaemin have gone through their fair share of shit together, but Jaemin's feelings... They would just be burdensome to Jeno. He doesn't deserve to feel like he needs reassurance from Jaemin when the latter lets something stupid slip, when his brain to mouth filter decides to fail him. 

"Okay," he says, breathing out through his nose. It sounds like he's convincing himself, and Jeno hopes that he doesn't catch onto that note. He's not unappreciative towards his friendship with Jeno, it's been the only constant in his life. That thought just seems to scare Jaemin more, when he thinks about how much is at stake, how much is jeopardized by his feelings. His stupid feelings which he wishes would just go away already. Or that he could get over, somehow. 

Whenever he asked himself why he couldn't get over Jeno, it was because everywhere he looked, he compared everyone to Jeno. It wasn't healthy, and it most certainly wasn't fair, but what else can Jaemin's lovesick system do? He's gone for Lee Jeno, and he doesn't know what to do with himself anymore. This isn't just a high school crush anymore, Jaemin's in love and it's starting to, pathetically, affect his day to day life. 

"I'm serious," Jeno adds, tone lower than it usually is. Jaemin knows Jeno just wants reassurance, and when doesn't he decide to indulge in Jeno's wants?

"I know." He replies, deciding to shift the mood in the atmosphere as he types away on his laptop. "I wouldn't be a princess if I wasn't smart."

Jeno smiles at that, of course he smiles at something so trivial. Jeno hums low in his throat at Jaemin's words, and the latter wishes it didn't sound as attractive as it did. 

He lets Jaemin know that he's heading up to the counter to order a drink for himself, and Jaemin sits there, watching Jeno walk up to the till with a heavy heart. 

If Jeno didn't do small things like this, staying with Jaemin until 10:58pm when he submits his essay, maybe it would be easier to get over him. 

—

"Can we talk?"

Jaemin's in the library, silently going through a week's worth of study notes as Xuxi reads a book beside him. They had bumped into each other an hour ago, and Jaemin had invited him to sit at the same table. They had talked for a minute, before they let each other get to their own tasks. It's been silent since, until Donghyuck had come up to the table they're sitting at.

"Can it wait?" Jaemin asks, not even looking up from his notes. He sees Xuxi look up from his book in his peripheral, smiling and greeting the boy in front of him. 

"No," comes his answer, suspiciously in the voice of Mark instead of Donghyuck. Jaemin looks up, and for sure, Mark is there standing right next to Donghyuck. He wants to ask why Mark is here, but the urgent look in Donghyuck's eyes when Jaemin looks at him tells him that they need to talk now. 

"Xuxi," Jaemin sighs, putting a highlighter down on his notebook before closing it, marking the page. "I'll be back?" He says, letting Xuxi know that he won't be long. 

"Okay," the older boy replies, smiling attractively up at Jaemin. "Take your time."

And with that, plus a final smile sent Xuxi's way, Mark and Donghyuck drag Jaemin out near the entrance of the library, standing in a secluded corner, where not many people are. Jaemin only feels slightly nervous as he feels his palms start to sweat a bit, but he tries to convince himself that it's nothing. He shouldn't be making such a big deal out of something he doesn't even know yet. 

However, when Donghyuck opens his mouth, he knew he should've just asked them to come talk to him and Mark another day. 

"Is Jeno being weird?" 

And Jaemin can honestly say a hundred things to that. Because Jeno is always being weird. He eats honey on pizza, answers 'hello' to random cars that he hears honking, looks like a fucking samoyed, sleeps with socks on (a heathen), and pours his milk before his cereal. So yeah, along with many more reasons, Jeno is always being weird. All in all, he doesn't understand Donghyuck's question. 

"Jen's always weird?" He replies.

"No like," Mark starts, wringing his hands nervously as he finds the right words to say. "He's... Not talking to Jennie."

And really, what is Jaemin supposed to with this information? He doesn't know what to feel, because for starters, he doesn't feel good. But what's worse is that he doesn't feel bad either. The way that he can just be so immune to bad news about Jeno's relationship just... Sits so ugly with him. But he just... Doesn't feel bad about what Mark had said. Sure, he's concerned for Jeno, because he does care about him, and he is, believe it or not, concerned about his relationship with Jennie. No matter his feelings, or lack therefore of, he doesn't wish ill upon their relationship. He would never. He just can't bring himself to feel enough, more than the bare minimum, at the news. 

From the corner of his eye, he can see Donghyuck looks at him sympathetically, and he feels pathetic. Donghyuck probably pities him so much right now, because he has to talk about Jeno and Jennie's relationship with someone who doesn't know how he feels. Donghyuck probably feels bad for him because he has to pretend to be a okay. Has to put up a front. 

"Okay, and?" Jaemin asks again, this time a bit more irritated. Why does Mark think that Jaemin knows every inquisitive thing about Jeno's relationship? He doesn't, because he doesn't like talking about those things with Jeno. Sure, he doesn't shut down the topic when Jeno brings it up, but he doesn't initiate a conversation about it either. He can see why people assume he knows the answer to all their Jeno related questions, he just wishes that they didn't ask. It's not like Jeno knows the answer to every Jaemin related question anyways. 

Mark seems taken aback by Jaemin's response, looking at Donghyuck before sputtering out nonsense. And Jaemin guesses that's the charming thing about Mark; no matter how long you've been his friend, no matter how close you are with Mark, he will always go back to being nervous and clumsy the minute he feels flustered. 

"W-Well I— We were just wondering if you knew what's been up with him recently? He doesn't really ever ignore Jennie." 

And yeah, maybe that's true, that Jeno never does ignore Jennie, but that does not mean that Jaemin knows what Mark is talking about. As much as Mark thinks he does. 

"I'm sure he's not purposely ignoring her," Jaemin assures, the only thing he can do since he doesn't know why Jeno would be ignoring Jennie. What Mark said is right, Jeno never ignores her. That's something that Jaemin envies about Jeno's relationship with Jennie, the communication. Jaemin is always too afraid to tell Jeno how he really feels, but Jennie never feels the need to hide anything from him, and vice versa. They've always been the best in that sense, they always talk through their problems. Therefore realistically, Jeno doesn't have any reason to ignore Jennie, and is, in fact, acting weird. 

"So he hasn't told you anything?" Mark asks with a frown. Before answering, Jaemin turns his gaze to look at Donghyuck, who isn't even looking at him. He guesses he probably feels guilty for interrogating him about this, even if it is Mark who's asking most of the questions. 

Jaemin sighs, turning around to walk back to the library, where Xuxi is still patiently waiting for him, waving a hand dismissively as he delivers his final answer. 

"Not a thing." 

—

Jaemin can't take his eyes off of Jeno. 

It isn't anything new really, the way that Jaemin is absolutely smitten by Jeno, who's simply laughing his ass off at the stupid movie they're watching. His stupid eyes crinkled (samoyed, once again), his stupid perfect teeth, white and prettily on display, his stupid attractive laugh which honestly puts birds' singing to shame, and his stupid hands which can't stop clapping together, because apparently, whatever they're watching is just that funny. 

It isn't. Jaemin can testify. 

But here's where Jaemin's issue is. Again. 

Throughout the span of two weeks, all of Jaemin and Jeno's friends have come up to the former to ask the same question: 'is something up with Jeno?'. Every time, Jaemin gives them the same answer, that no, there isn't. His answer is always trailed by the same follow up question: 'has he not told you anything?'. And each time he has to answer that no, Jeno hasn't told him anything, he gets consecutively more and more irritated. 

Should Jeno have told him something? Why did everyone expect him to know something? Was there something to know? Was Jeno hiding something from him? He has too many questions, and most definitely not enough courage to ask all the questions he has. 

"You're staring," Jeno chuckles out, turning his head away from the screen to look at Jaemin. Normally, Jaemin would laugh it off and change the subject, or just look away and hope that Jeno doesn't see his blush. 

Today however, he keeps his eyes on the older boy, trying to see if he can figure out what Jeno was supposed to tell him. Well, supposedly was supposed to tell him. 

"What's up?" Jeno inquires when Jaemin doesn't look away. 

Jaemin clears his throat at that, not knowing how the breach the subject. He knows that it's going to be heavy, and foreign, since he'd be initiating a conversation about Jeno and Jennie's relationship. He doesn't want to talk about this, but he doesn't want to be left in the dark either. If there's something Jeno is supposed to tell him, he'd rather have Jeno tell him now rather than later. 

"Are you not telling me something?" Jaemin, sighing as he sits up straight. He removes himself from the arm Jeno has around his shoulders, sitting with his body sideways to stare at Jeno. He doesn't like how his voice comes out smaller than he would've wanted, but he does a lot of things he doesn't like around Jeno. Nothing can really stop himself and what his stupid brain to heart (heart to brain?) filter does. 

When Jeno looks confused, Jaemin continues to explain his question.

"It's just that everyone asked me if something was up with you. They sounded like they expected me to know what was off about you." He says, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

Jeno stays silent at Jaemin's explanation, watching him with a gaze which feels like he's analyzing everything inside of Jaemin. It's a look Jaemin is familiar with, it surfaces every time they have a serious conversation. He feels scrutinized under the other boy's gaze, but it's not unbearable to the point where he's uncomfortable. 

"Why do I have to tell you?" 

Jaemin is taken aback by Jeno's words, for obvious reasons. He doesn't feel like he deserves to know every single detail about Jeno, Jaemin has his own secrets that he's only comfortable with keeping to himself. So he doesn't necessarily want to know what Jeno is hiding, more so if he is or not. But he didn't expect Jeno to shut him down the way he did. 

Jaemin gets defensive in these situations, even if he doesn't have a valid argument. He just doesn't like feeling like he's in the wrong when he doesn't understand why, and in this situation, he doesn't understand why Jeno would talk to him the way he did. 

"I'm just asking if there is anything for you to tell me," Jaemin frowns, bringing his knees up to his chest and keeping to himself. Jeno knows this is something Jaemin does to protect himself, figuratively obviously. It doesn't sit well with him that he's the reason why Jaemin would have to protect himself, but that's not what's occupying the majority of his mind at the moment.

"Does it matter? It's not like you tell me anything anymore, and you've been off for weeks." Jeno sounds more aggressive as he fires back, almost as if he's expressing pent of feelings and emotions into this conversation. He sounds somewhat angry, and Jaemin can't think of why Jeno would have any pent up angry emotions towards him. 

"Because that's not for you to know," Jaemin defends, frown deepening. 

In this moment, Jeno decides that he hates how a frown looks on Jaemin's face. 

"Well I thought we shared everything Jaemin?" Jeno scoffs, clearly unimpressed by the younger's words. 

"Some things—"

"Aren't my fucking business, I know. Just like whatever my deal is isn't any of your fucking business, Jaemin." 

Jeno's words, hit harder than Jaemin would've liked. Any normal friend would just be mad at Jeno's tone, obviously, but Jaemin just feels hurt. And he hates himself for feeling this way, he has no reason to. All he is to Jeno is his friend, he doesn't have the right to feel more offended than a friend would. Because that's all he is to Jeno. His friend. 

"Okay," Jaemin whispers, keeping his voice low so that Jeno wouldn't hear how weak it sounds. How weak Jaemin feels, because it's basically demeaning how much Jeno can affect him. It's demeaning how much someone who doesn't even like Jaemin the way he likes him can make Jaemin feel like this; so hurt, so sad and so, so isolated from what he wants to feel. 

And Jeno was supposed to be the closest to Jaemin. Not make him feel the farthest from what he wants. 

The silence that consumes them afterwards is jarring, and it makes Jaemin too uncomfortable in his own home. The movie that continues to play does nothing to help the atmosphere, only making it way more awkward, if that makes sense. He hates the silence, the tension that follows is stupidly thick and this is, hands down, the worth argument they've ever gotten into. And it was barely an argument. 

"I should go," Jeno announces after awhile, getting up and brushing off imaginary dust. Jaemin doesn't protest, just stays looking at the intricate design of the throw pillow on his lap as he nods. 

"Yeah," he says quietly, not even bothering to get up and see Jeno out. "You know where the spare key is." 

With that, Jeno leaves the living room, and Jaemin listens as he puts on his shoes. He hears the front door unlock, along with it shutting a second after. Jaemin counts in his head, and twenty nine seconds later, he hears the lock on his door latch. Jeno's footsteps fade away, and Jaemin is left to feel numb on his couch. For the first time ever, Jeno doesn't hug him goodbye before he left. 

Jeno and Jaemin. 

Could they come back from this?

—

Everyone notices the shift and the tension. 

As they should. It's unbearable. 

A biweekly meetup had been scheduled two days later, as inconvenient as that was, but Jaemin wouldn't ever say no to a breather from the thoughts in his head. And his friends, paired with his very good friend (liquor), is the perfect combination to make Jaemin forget about everything swarming his poor little mind. 

Jeno, on the other hand, Jaemin has no idea if he's coming this week. He's normally always there, save for when he and Jennie have a date scheduled for that evening. This time, however, Jaemin doesn't know if Jeno's attendance is confirmed, since they haven't been speaking since that night. No texts, no phone calls, even giving the other the cold shoulder when they see each other in real life, which is pretty often, unfortunately. 

Well, normally it's very fortunate for Jaemin, you know, when he's not angry and sad because of Jeno. 

When Jaemin shows up with Chenle to the restaurant they've decided to meet at, everyone is there except for Rachel, Jisung and Jeno. They're all sitting at a long bench near the back of the restaurant, a quiet and darker place compared to the rest of the restaurant. It doesn't surprise Jaemin that they've had to reserve such a large table for themselves, they are a party of nine after all. 

What does surprise Jaemin, however, is the fact that Xuxi is seated across from Donghyuck and Mark. 

Now, not that he's against the idea of Xuxi hanging out with all of them, because once again, Jaemin and Xuxi are amicable friends with each other and enjoy the other's presence. It's just that he didn't think that Xuxi was close to anyone else in his friend group. All he knows is that Xuxi is Renjun's cousin, and judging by what he's seeing, it seems as if Donghyuck and Mark have invited Xuxi over. 

There is an empty seat beside Xuxi though, and Jaemin walks over to claim the spot. Donghyuck however, seems to have other ideas. He shoots up from his seat as soon as he spots Jaemin making his way over. Jaemin doesn't even have the chance to greet his other friends properly before Donghyuck's dragging him to the men's bathroom. 

"What?" Jaemin asks, clearly confused at why he and Donghyuck are in the men's bathroom, instead of sitting down with the rest of their friends at their table. 

Just as Donghyuck opens his mouth and is about to give the younger boy his reasoning, someone walks out of one of the stalls. Both Jaemin and Donghyuck turn their heads to the sound, Jaemin regretting it instantly when he makes brief eye contact with Jeno. 

Out of his peripheral, he sees Donghyuck wince, presumably forgetting that Jeno had come in here before they had. 

It's insanely awkward, with Jaemin refusing to look at Jeno, with Jeno ignoring the two of their's presence, and with Donghyuck looking at the floor, trying to ignore the almost palpable tension between the two of them. 

Jeno leaves without saying a word to them, and even though Jaemin knows that he's out the door, he doesn't look up from the floor. This was the closest thing to an interaction that they've had in two days, and it was in the goddamn men's bathroom in a restaurant. It overwhelms Jaemin, being in such close proximity with Jeno when there were obvious problems to solve between them. 

Donghyuck sighs, cupping the younger's face and making them hold eye contact. This effectively catches Jaemin's attention. 

"I invited Xuxi." He admits, and Jaemin just nods, not really having the energy to question Donghyuck after their minimal interaction with Jeno. If you can even call it an interaction. However, Donghyuck keeps talking without needing Jaemin to prompt him. "You always get wasted when we hang out. I'm making sure that doesn't happen again."

Jaemin is about to protest, because as much as the sentiment behind Donghyuck's actions warms his heart, he doesn't think Xuxi is gonna stop him from ordering at least three bottles of liquor. Xuxi is sweet, for sure, and he knows how to old a good and interesting conversation. But that isn't enough to comfort Jaemin, especially since he's just fought with Jeno. He needs the distraction tonight, and even though he won't say it, Donghyuck should've picked a different date to stage an intervention. 

"Jaemin." Donghyuck starts once again, before Jaemin has the chance to give his two cents on the matter. "Talk to Xuxi. Talk about your problems. You don't have to talk with Jeno, you don't have to talk with me. Talk to Xuxi. He doesn't know you or Jeno enough to do anything but listen."

Realistically, Jaemin knows Donghyuck has a point. It's a smart idea; instead of finding solace in liquor, he can find solace in Xuxi, someone different who doesn't know everything about him, and talk his problems out at the same time. It makes sense, but Jaemin doesn't know if he can actually talk about everything that's been going on. It's foreign to him, and Jaemin doesn't know if he can do it, as pathetic as that sounds. 

"Okay," Jaemin agrees, finding himself nodding along to Donghyuck's explanation, despite how he truly feels. "I'll try." 

He knows he won't, but to appease Donghyuck, he'd say a lot of things. 

Both he and Donghyuck head out of the bathroom, Jaemin glad to see that the seat next to Xuxi is still free. He sits down, making sure that he doesn't even look in Jeno's general direction. Within the few minutes Jaemin and Donghyuck were in the bathroom, everyone seemed to have arrived. Across from Jaemin was Mark, followed by Donghyuck, Chenle, Renjun and Jeno. Beside Xuxi was Jisung, then Rachel and finally Jennie. 

Jeno is on the complete opposite side of the table, compared to where Jaemin is sitting. The younger's grateful for that, it'll make it ten times easier to ignore Jeno if he remains as far away as he is. 

Everyone seems to immediately know what they'd like to order, quickly repeating the dishes they'd like to the poor waiter who looks stressed out since he's tending to such a large table. Jaemin would feel bad if he didn't find it funny. Or maybe finding it funny is supposed to make him feel bad. Either way, he doesn't feel bad. 

"So how's it been?" Xuxi asks once he passes his and Jaemin's menus back to the waiter. 

"The usual," Jaemin shrugs, ignoring the glare Donghyuck shoots him from his peripheral. If he wants to talk to Xuxi, he'll do so on his own time. "You?"

Xuxi shrugs. 

"The usual." He mimics, even making the pitch of his voice higher. A smile blooms onto his face at the sight of Jaemin looking some parts offended, most parts amused. 

"My voice is definitely not that high," Jaemin laughs, making Xuxi laugh in return. 

Their conversation continues like that. carefree and lively. Donghyuck and Mark join in here and there, adding their own tidbits. If Jaemin notices the smile on Donghyuck's face when the former enthusiastically pats Xuxi's arm to get his attention, he wholeheartedly ignores it. 

It doesn't take long for Jaemin to wave a waitress over and order himself a liquor. She asks for his ID, and Jaemin mentally rolls his eyes. Everyone always asks for his ID, since for some reason he looks prepubescent, as Jisung likes to say. Ironic coming from him, the one who's actually prepubescent. 

Once the waitress is satisfied with his ID, she hands it back with a smile and heads off to fetch his bottle. Donghyuck kicks his legs under the table, but Jaemin ignores it in favour of listening to something Mark was saying about a class they shared. 

"You drink?" Xuxi asks, seeming shocked, if his raised eyebrows are anything to go by. 

"Does that bother you?" Jaemin asks as his answer, seeming a bit nervous. Xuxi is a good friend, and Jaemin didn't want to make him uncomfortable or anything. If drinking around Xuxi was a no no, then he'd rather know now than later on. 

"Oh, no! No, not that," Xuxi assures quickly, shaking his head and hands. "I just didn't expect it from you." 

Jaemin doesn't know if he should be offended or not by the older boy's words. He opens his mouth to speak, but the waitress is back with his bottle of beloved liquor and he finds himself thanking her instead. As she leaves, Jaemin picks up the corkscrew and pops his bottle, pouring Xuxi a glass as well. 

"Cheers?" He asks simply, holding his glass up as he waits for Xuxi to clink his against it. With zero reluctance, the older boy smiles as he picks up his glass, hitting it gently against Jaemin's and downing half of it in one go, pointedly ignoring the glare Donghyuck is sending the both of them. 

Jaemin thinks that he and Xuxi will be remarkable friends from now on. 

It's significantly later on into the night, four liquor bottles in with an increasingly irritated Donghyuck in front of him, that Jaemin feels drowsiness hit him. Xuxi, Jaemin decides, is his new favourite person to drink with. It used to be Jeno, since the latter would always stay sober and keep Jaemin in check, but it also dulled the fun. Xuxi, however, puts up with Jaemin's antics and even indulges himself in them as well. 

Jaemin's been having fun with Xuxi. Xuxi has also been having fun with Jaemin. Donghyuck looks like he's going to step on his neck. And honestly? Who cares about Donghyuck. Certainly not Jaemin, who's slumped over Xuxi, on the verge of passing out. 

"I wanna go home," Jaemin whines, stupidly intoxicated. He decides to cut Donghyuck out of the entirety of his peripheral vision, eyesight finding interest on the napkin in front of him. He'd rather look at the blank white napkin over directly at Donghyuck's scrutinizing gaze. 

"I'll take you home!" Xuxi agrees, clearly not in the right mind as he stumbles up to his feet. "I have a car." 

"Xuxi, you're not driving," Mark says sternly, as if anyone would let Jaemin and Xuxi leave the restaurant alone. "I'll take you home." He offers, about to extend the offer to Jaemin, but someone else speaks before he can. 

"I'm taking Jaemin home." Jeno says, finality in his tone as he leaves no room for argument. Mark simply backs off, hands up in surrender as he claps Xuxi on the back. 

"Let's go?" He asks softly, a small smile catching his lips as Xuxi nods back enthusiastically. Jaemin also doesn't miss the way Donghyuck can't stop looking at Mark and Xuxi, but he'll push that to the back of mind, to have that conversation while he was sober. 

As he watches Mark and Donghyuck guide Xuxi out of the restaurant, Jaemin feels someone grab his arm from behind. He drowsily turns around, just to make eye contact with Jeno. In his drunken haze, being this close to the older boy doesn't really make him as nervous as it would've if he was sober. Liquid courage goes a long way. 

"I'm taking you home," Jeno repeats, leading Jaemin to the front door. However, the latter whines at that, pouting as he watches Jeno drag him away from the table. 

"What about Jennie?" He asks once they step outside. "Don't you need to send her home?"

Jeno doesn't answer, just walks them to his car. He stares at Jaemin once they've reached the passenger's door, keeping his facial expression unreadable as his eyes rake over Jaemin's face. He doesn't bother opening the passenger's door, and Jaemin is left to lean against the car in order to support the weight of his body, which feels ten times heavier than it should be. His hand hasn't left Jaemin's arm, and in his intoxicated state, the latter feels Jeno's arm burn fire into his skin. Or maybe he'd feel that way if he was sober as well, but that was a thought for later. 

Finally, Jeno sighs, tearing his eyes away from Jaemin as he opens the passenger's door, escorting Jaemin in. He leans over the younger boy, grabbing the seatbelt and stretching it across the expanse of his chest. He can feel Jaemin's condensing breath on his neck, and he quickly buckles Jaemin into his seat. 

"She went home with Rachel." Jeno finally answers, closing the passenger's door and making his way around to the driver's side. He seats himself and buckles his own seatbelt before turning to look at Jaemin again. With just one look, Jeno can tell that Jaemin is far too gone, gazing longingly outside the windshield window and fiddling endlessly with his fingers. Jeno has to purse his lips at that, taking in how Jaemin is almost completely ignoring the older boy's presence. That doesn't happen, ever. Whenever Jaemin is drunk, he's abnormally clingy and ridiculously affectionate. More than normal. And Jeno is almost always at the receiving end of Jaemin's drunk antics. Which is why it's somewhat uncomfortable to be around Jaemin without the younger drunkenly trying to kiss his cheeks. "I asked Rachel to send her home." 

Jaemin still doesn't really acknowledge Jeno and his words, simply humming and then straightening his back. Or at least attempting to. His shoulder slouch back down almost instantly and he lets out a drawn out sigh. 

"Can we go home Jeno?" He asks tiredly, leaning his head on the window. "I'm sleepy."

"Okay."

And with that, Jeno drives Jaemin home, helps him into and up the elevator, unlocking his door for him, getting him changed into pyjamas and makes him drink a glass of water. 

Jaemin doesn't say so much as a word throughout the entire time Jeno helps him get ready for bed, until he's guiding the stumbling boy to his bed. Jeno pulls the covers open and helps Jaemin into them, tucking the covers up to his chin. Jaemin's eyes are half lidded as he finally makes eye contact with Jeno. He smiles softly, letting his eyes close completely before slurring out his words. 

"Thank you Jeno," he whispers, already sounding half asleep. His breathing has evened out, and his eyelashes sit prettily on the highs of his cheeks. 

Jeno pauses in his position above Jaemin, staring at the younger boy for a while. After a few minutes, he sighs, dipping his head down before picking it back up. By this time, Jaemin has started to snore softly, fingers clutching on tightly to the covers. 

Jeno finally leans down and presses his lips gently against Jaemin's forehead, leaving them there for a few seconds before pulling away. 

"You're welcome. Goodnight princess." 

—

The next time Jaemin sees Jeno, the latter is abnormally sad. Or at least very quiet, compared to how he normally is at their biweekly hangouts. 

This time, the hosts are Chenle and Jisung, much to everyone's chagrin. They just came back from the arcade, and are now lounging by the pool amenity in their two youngest's apartment. Jaemin hasn't gone into the water yet, simply sitting on a lounge chair with his big purple hoodie on, paired with green spandex shorts. Accompanied by his pink hair, Jaemin thinks he did an awful job choosing his colour palette today, but deems it okay since it's just his closest friends who can see him. 

Everyone except for Renjun and himself are in the pool, and even if Jeno is splashing Jisung with water, and laughing louder than anyone else, Jaemin can see the way his eyes don't turn into crescents, the way his smile isn't genuine. 

He knows, because of that, that something is bothering the older boy. He just doesn't know if he's in the place to say or do anything about it. He would, if it wouldn't warrant Jeno telling him to leave him alone, and that it wasn't any of Jaemin's business. Honestly, Jaemin would probably cry hearing those words for a second time. 

He doesn't really know where he stands with Jeno as of the moment. All he knows is that two weeks ago, Jeno had taken him home after he had gotten drunk with Xuxi, but after that they hadn't spoken since. Text messages remain undelivered, since Jaemin was too scared to initiate a conversation, and eyes remain elsewhere whenever they pass each other on campus. It hurts, not being able to go back to how things were, but Jeno seems off lately, and he thinks that maybe he needs this time off for himself. Jaemin is ready to give him that, to let him take a breather. He just wishes Jeno would've communicated this with him. 

"Nana."

Jaemin finally tears his eyes away from  
Jeno, instead focusing on the boy who's sat down beside him. Renjun looks at him with a pensive look, almost as if he's trying to read into what's going on in Jaemin's brain. 

"You okay?" He settles on asking, tilting his head to one side. 

The question catches Jaemin off guard, and he finds himself blinking owlishly at the older boy. Jaemin hadn't really paused and taken a moment to talk to someone, or even himself, about if he was okay or not. 

He knows that the lack of, well, Jeno, in his life at the moment wasn't necessarily benefiting him, but he also knows that the last thing he'd admit to himself is that Jeno not talking to him was affecting him. It's practically pathetic, but once again, Jaemin is completely weak when it came to Jeno. 

"Huh?" He ends up questioning back to Renjun, who simply sends the younger boy a small smile. Maybe Renjun knows more than he's letting on, if the way he's smiling lightly is anything to go by, but he also could just be being patient with him. 

"I'm asking you," Renjun starts again, leaning in closer to Jaemin. He has both his elbows on the armrest if the lounge chair, leaning in close to Jaemin's face. The latter still has his wide eyes staring at Renjun, waiting for the other to finish his question. "If you and Jeno are okay yet."

And of course, Jaemin shouldn't have expected anything less from a genius like Huang Renjun. Of course Renjun knows that Jaemin's spirit has been down lately because of Jeno, Renjun knows everything. Neither Jaemin nor Jeno had told anyone one of their friends about their little argument a few weeks back, but Jaemin doesn't need to tell Renjun anything for the latter's braincells to work overtime just to figure out what the situation is. 

Jaemin doesn't really ever confide in Renjun, as much as he's still a close friend. Renjun does the same so that level of respect is maintained, but right now, with Jeno ignoring him and Donghyuck making out with Mark in the pool, Jaemin really just wants to tell Renjun something, even if it is a little bit, since speaking to Renjun or not, Jaemin still hates talking about his feelings.

"No," he simply answers, sighing as he stares at Renjun. His eyebrows furrow together in the middle, and his lips take on a subconscious pout. "I don't know." He adds, leaning his head into his arm, which is bent down across the armrest. "I miss him."

And maybe Jaemin shouldn't have let that last part slip, since Renjun is now looking at him with a much softer look. Jaemin simply groans, closing his eyes and thrashing about a bit in his seat. He doesn't want Renjun's pity, as he's sure that the older boy's brian had figured out the true meaning behind Jaemin's words. 

But Renjun remains silent, not letting on if he knows anything or not. Jaemin guesses he's fine with that, he'd rather not know than have Renjun give him the sympathetic puppy dog eyes he already occasionally receives from Donghyuck. He does, however, feel a hand rub up and down his arm soothingly for a few seconds. He lifts his head up a bit to see Renjun, who's smiling down at him with something akin to reassurance in his eyes. Jaemin doesn't read too much into it though. 

"Na Jaemin," he starts, letting his eyes sparkle a bit more with whatever was in them, lets his hand pause over Jaemin's bicep and lets his fingers claps around the muscle, giving a small encouraging squeeze. "Just a bit longer."

And Jaemin, thoroughly confused by Renjun's words, watches the latter get up with confusion swimming in his eyes. 

He most certainly does not miss the way Renjun throws Jeno a glance as he walks away. 

—

It's 1:42 in the goddamn morning, and Jaemin is stupidly tired. So incredibly stupidly tired that he can't help but let himself close his eyes, only to smack the side of his head to wake him up. He can't afford to go to sleep yet, he has to finish a stupid literature assignment. 

He thinks about if getting a coffee this late at night would be beneficial, but decided against it once he realizes that there'd be no way he would be able to sleep later on. 

He's ready to type again, already having cracked his knuckles and getting rid of the crick in his neck, when he hears a series of knocks on his door. 

Honestly, he's very irritated, and on top of that, tempted to ignore whoever is on the side. It's almost 2:00 in the morning, so who in their right mind would be knocking on his door? Ignoring it, however, doesn't seem to be an option, as the knocking becomes insistant and continuous. Jaemin has half the mind to scream into his couch pillow before he gets up, grunting at the strain in his back muscles. 

He makes his way over to the front door of his apartment, way too agitated to even look through the peephole. He yanks the door open, ready to tell, whoever it was on the other side, off about disturbing people's lives in the wee hours of the morning, but the face he sees make all his words die in his throat. 

It's Lee Jeno of all people. 

Jeno can probably see how taken aback Jaemin is, since he sighs and hangs his head low. There's a silence which stretches between them for multiple, long, seconds. It's awkward since in all their years of friendship, they've never been like this. Never been this silent with each other, never felt the need to put a distance between themselves. As they grew up, as factors in their lives changed and as they themselves changed, they still never felt the need to maybe, you know, change what they had between them. So this silence, this awkward tension and this uncomfortable atmosphere, it puts a damper on both boy's spirits. 

"May I come in?" Jeno ends up asking after a while, wording his question way too formally for someone who's talking to his best friend of over two decades. It's weird, but then again, this entire scenario is weird as well. 

"Jeno, it's almost 2:00am," Jaemin reasons, subtly implying that no, Jeno could not come in. Because no matter what they're going through, no matter how he feels about Jeno, there's no way he could actively be the reason for why Jeno's feeling sad or rejected. Jaemin just wouldn't let himself do that, wouldn't let that happen. He guesses that's what happens when you're hopelessly in love with one person for an extended amount of time, but that didn't mean it still didn't irk Jaemin in the worst of ways. 

"I know," the older boy says, flicking his eyes up and finally making eye contact with Jaemin. "But I... This can't wait, Jaemin." He says, sounding more serious and final about his statement. It confuses Jaemin, towards why whatever Jeno has to say can't wait. They haven't been talking for weeks, so in Jaemin's brain, there really isn't any pressing matter between the two of them which has to be discussed right now, at 2:00 in the morning. 

"Come in, I guess," Jaemin nonetheless says, opening the door wider so that Jeno could slip in. He didn't want to start an argument or something of those sorts this late at night, so the easier option is to just let the older boy have his way. Jaemin is also stupidly weak for whatever Jeno wants, but that was besides the point. 

And honestly, there isn't much Jaemin expects after letting Jeno into his apartment. It's so late at night, and the two boys are clearly exhausted. They haven't communicated with each other in weeks, so there isn't really a fresh topic to start talking about, or something to pick up off of. Maybe Jaemin could brew some of that gross tea that Jeno likes (but Jaemin still keeps in his apartment so that the older boy can make himself a cup whenever he's around), if he needs something to keep him awake. Maybe they're just gonna sit in silence until one of them falls asleep, or something along those lines. Bottom line is that: Jaemin doesn't expect anything from Jeno visiting him at 2:00 in the morning.

But even with his expectations so low, Jeno still manages to surprise Jaemin, with the way he immediately pulls the younger boy into a hug when he turns around. His arms are wrapped around his torso while his head is pressed into the crook of the younger boy's neck, and honestly? Jaemin almost cries because he's missed this so much. 

However, even if he missed Jeno's hugs, he's still immensely confused as towards why Jeno decided to come to his apartment this late at night, seemingly just wanting to hug him and nothing more. He hasn't even said anything, and all Jaemin feels is his hot breath hitting he side of his neck. His own arms come up to wrap around Jeno's shoulders, rubbing up and down his back at an attempt to comfort Jeno, who seems ridiculously entranced at the moment. 

Before Jaemin can get a word out, to question Jeno about what's going on, the latter opens his mouth and says something which makes Jaemin's blood run cold.

"It's you," he breathes out, squeezing his eyes shut and tightening his hold on Jaemin. "Always. It's always been you." 

Jaemin, completely speechless and shocked out of his mind, doesn't know what to say to Jeno. He's frozen, doesn't know what to do. What do Jeno's words even mean? Jaemin's brain is already muddled because of the late hour, but Jeno coming at him out of left field with his words? Jaemin's mind is fried at this point. 

Jeno must feel how his hands have completely froze against his back, how his heart probably skipped a beat, or how his whole body tensed up. Jeno must've noticed something, since he's tentatively pulling back from Jaemin. He still keeps his tight hold around the younger boy though, almost as if he's afraid that the other will run away. Which is completely irrational, since this is his apartment. 

Jaemin's still frozen, which is why, even if he didn't want to, he makes eye contact with Jeno. The latter's look in his eyes tells him that he's nervous, completely and utterly so. His pupils are practically shaking, and Jaemin thinks that if anyone should be scared shitless, it's him. 

"Jaemin?" Jeno whispers, biting his bottom lip anxiously, nervous as towards why Jaemin hadn't said anything about what he heard. 

But Jaemin, to Jaemin, Jeno whispering his name just confirms that this is real. Jeno really is here, and he really did say those words to Jaemin a few minutes ago. It really happened, it's real, Jeno's real and in front of him. 

And that,

That's terrifying. 

Jeno's eyes widen ten times their size when he sees Jaemin's eyes immediately water, feels his heart sink when Jaemin's hands start to shake against his shoulders. 

But Jeno, his heart absolutely aches when he hears what Jaemin has to say.

"You need to leave," he says shakily, bringing his arms back to himself and trying to pry himself out of Jeno's hold. This entire interaction is confusing to the younger boy. Jeno has a girlfriend for fuck's sake, what the hell is he doing with Jaemin at 2:00 in the morning, confessing compromising words to a Jaemin who's ridiculously gullible when it comes to him? Truth be told, he would've rather stayed away from Jeno for another three weeks, if it meant this situation could've been avoided. 

"Jaemin—"

"I— Jeno, you need to leave right now." Jaemin repeats, pushing the older boy off of him. "You need to leave and figure yourself out because— Because this?" Jaemin says shakily once more, gesturing at the space between the two of them. "Isn't supposed to happen. Not when you have a girlfriend Jeno." 

Jeno seems ready to talk, seems ready to explain everything to Jaemin, to clear any confusion and to talk everything out, but Jaemin is turning on his heel and his walking away to his bedroom, assignment in the living room be damned. He slams his door shut, and even if Jeno wants to go after him with every fibre in his being, he knows better. 

Jaemin just isn't ready to have to face this. It's a scenario which he's convinced himself would never happen in this lifetime, and when it's finally happening, right before his eyes, he's scared. He's horribly scared at what could be, at what their precious friendship could turn into. Jaemin and Jeno have something irreplaceable as best friends, and being in a relationship... There was a high chance of all of their dedication and memories of each other simply going down the drain. 

He's just not ready to have this conversation right now.

He's overwhelmed. 

—

"Jaemin. Jaemin open up." 

Donghyuck is growing increasingly anxious as he waits for Jaemin to open the door, despite knowing exactly where the spare key is. He doesn't want to invade the younger boy's privacy, incase he wanted to be alone at the moment. All he knows is that Jaemin isn't okay, seeing as he's been cooped up in his apartment for four days, and for all Donghyuck knows, it's possible he hasn't showered. Or eaten a full meal. And as his best friend, that's extremely concerning. 

"Come on, Jaemin!" Renjun calls, knocking a bit more furiously on the door. If Donghyuck is anxious, Renjun is agitated. His eyebrows are furrowed in the middle, and there's a hard frown set on his face. His foot is tapping irritatingly on the floor, and his arms are crossed over his chest. 

"Nana hyung, please open the door," Jisung calls, using a softer voice than the older two did. He had insisted on tagging along with Donghyuck and Renjun, despite them saying that three people might overwhelm Jaemin after not seeing anyone for four days. But then Jisung used his puppy dog eyes and said that he's Jaemin's favourite, so the older two relented, which is how all three of them find themselves in front of Jaemin's apartment door. 

Renjun thinks it's stupid how he hears shuffling on the other side of the door, only after Jisung had made his presence known. 

When the door opens, Jaemin reveals himself to look like a whole mess. Donghyuck, however, is thankful that at least he looks like he's showered. 

"Are you kidding? Jisung is the magic charm?" Renjun scoffs, walking straight into Jaemin's apartment without permission. Donghyuck follows, and Jisung sends Jaemin a smile before making his way inside as well.

"I told you I'm his favourite," the youngest says, sounding way too smug, in Renjun's humble opinion. 

Jisung makes his way to where Jaemin is sitting on the couch, purple blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His normally very assuring hyung looks kinda small like this, with his mouth turned into a natural pout and shoulders hunched. Jisung feels an ache somewhere inside him, and he hugs Jaemin's sides, hoping that the hug is as assuring as he wants it to be. Jaemin has always been there for Jisung in a heartbeat, so the least the younger could do is give his hyung the same amount of comfort. 

Jaemin seems appreciative of Jisung's gesture, if the way he smiles lightly and leans his head on Jisung's is anything to go by. His frown still remains on his face, but Jisung thinks that this is progress nonetheless. 

"Eat this," Renjun demands, coming back into the living room. He's been preparing take out sushi onto a plate for Jaemin, placing it on the coffee table in front of the latter. He can see all the empty coffee mugs and chocolate wrappers, and sighs a bit at what he presumes to have been Jaemin's diet for the past four days. He's somewhat relieved that he hadn't resorted to his remarkable (yet slightly concerning) liquor stash. God knows what Donghyuck would do if that were to have been the case. 

"I'm not hungry," Jaemin croaks out, voice rough and ragged from the lack of use. It doesn't sound like the Na Jaemin that they now, which only provokes the three others to worry even more at what could've been the cause of Jaemin holing himself up and away. 

"Bullshit," Donghyuck scoffs. "You're gonna finish this plate in front of me, okay?"

And honestly, Jaemin feels like a three year old who's getting disciplined because of the way Donghyuck is talking to him. It's somehow endearing, but it's mostly embarrassing. Jaemin doesn't need to be supervised, and neither does he need to be told what to do in fear of him not complying. 

But all he does is sigh, nonetheless picking up his chopsticks and eating his sushi, albeit slowly, but he's still eating it. 

None of them bother to breach into the real reason why they're here, simply striking up small conversation amongst themselves. They don't even ask Jaemin to talk, all Donghyuck does is spare him a glance every few seconds to make sure he's still eating. In all honesty, Jaemin's spirits are lifted tenfold at the human presence around him. After isolating himself for four days, seeing people makes him feel better, makes breathing a bit easier. 

He's finishes his entire plate of sushi, feeling quite satisfied after having actual food after four days. He slumps against Jisung when he's done, who would normally protest and whine, but now just simply takes the extra weight. When Renjun comes back after putting Jaemin's plate away, he sits in front of him on the coffee table, accompanied by Donghyuck, who takes a seat next to him. 

"You know why we're here," Renjun starts, softly compared to how he's been taking prior to this confrontation. 

"What happened Jaemin?" Donghyuck continues, asking the golden question. "You dropped off of the face of the Earth for four days, and Jeno just keep hush and wouldn't answer our questions about you." 

Jaemin's breath hitches at the mention of Jeno's name, and he can see the way Jisung's face lights up as his brain clicks the pieces together out of his peripheral. 

"Did..." He starts, looking at Jaemin carefully. "Did you Jeno hyung have a fight?" 

Donghyuck and Renjun exchange looks of worry, and Jaemin thinks that they think he can't see it. But he does, and it just makes him sighs, looking down at his hands in his lap.

"I'm not getting out of this, am I?" He mumbles, more to himself than to anyone else in the room. 

"Unfortunately," Donghyuck starts, sending Jaemin a semi apologetic smile. "You're not." 

So Jaemin spills. He can't get out of it, Donghyuck had just said so, and he has nothing to lose. These are his closest friends after Jeno, and honestly, the thought of airing out his body, heart and mind seemed too appealing to brush away. So he starts from the beginning, dating all the way back to freshman year of high school. He tells his stupid story, watches how Renjun, Donghyuck and Jisung's eyes display emotions of understanding, pity and frustration. It's for that reason why he doesn't want to look at any of them while telling his story, it's why he resorts to staring at his blanket and picking at the loose threads. 

"Hyung..." 

Jaemin doesn't want to look at Jisung, but he doesn't want Jisung to think he's too upset and confused, so he manages to look at the younger boy, somehow managing to show a small smile. 

"Don't even worry about it," Jaemin whispers, once again resting his head on Jisung's head. He pulls the blanket around the two of them, feeling a bit better with someone else pressed next to him. 

"Jaemin, I don't know if you want to hear this now but," Renjun starts, looking at Donghyuck, as if asking with his eyes if he should tell Jaemin. Jaemin doesn't know how the hell Renjun and Donghyuck communicate with their eyes, but then again, they're best friends for a reason. Whatever Donghyuck had understood from Renjun's gaze, he nods his head to. Renjun turns back to him, almost seeming a bit sorry for what he was about to say. "Jaemin... Jeno broke up with Jennie two weeks ago." 

Jaemin's mind short circuits at the information. 

Two weeks ago? That was when they had all met up with each other for their biweekly hangout at Chenle and Jisung's apartment. 

But then, all of a sudden, everything clicks into place. 

Jeno broke up with Jennie two weeks ago; that's why he was sad at the pool hangout. Jeno broke up with Jennie two weeks ago; that's why Jennie wasn't at that hangout. Jeno broke up with Jennie two weeks ago; that's why Jeno didn't mind showing up to his place at 2:00 in the morning, saying some compromising words. 

Jeno broke up with Jennie two weeks ago. 

Jeno is single. 

Holy shit, Jaemin thinks, blinking his eyes owlishly as he finally processes the information. Jeno is single for the first time in four years. 

Stupidly (unknowingly) tears spring to Jaemin's eyes, as once again he's completely overwhelmed by this information. For four (+) years, he's had to make due with the information that Jeno wouldn't ever look his way, that he'd never have a chance and that the possibility of them two were slim to none. But now Renjun, Donghyuck and Jisung were here, telling him that Jeno is single?

Why did he even break up with Jennie? Oh, God forbid, was he the reason? Was Jaemin the reason for why they broke up? That was Jaemin's worst nightmare, and he's told himself that the last thing he wants to do is be responsible for Jeno and Jennie's breakup. But here he finds himself now, almost undoubtedly responsible for their falling out. 

"Hey," Jisung's voice calls, bringing Jaemin out of his deprecating thoughts. "I know what you're thinking, and no." He says, finality in his tone. "You are not the reason for why they broke up. Jeno made the decision on his own. You're not to blame." Jaemin thinks that he sounds so mature for just being a freshman in college, but Jaemin also feels proud for being able to help Jisung grow into the man he was today. 

"It really isn't," Donghyuck adds, sounding a bit as if he were desperate for Jaemin to understand. "Please don't think that."

Jaemin simply nods, clearly not completely believing any of them. 

"Just... Talk things out with Jeno, okay?" Renjun says quietly. "Maybe you'd like what he has to say."

And that's th thing. It's not like he doesn't want to talk things out with Jeno. It's not like shutting him out and leaving him in the dark was the idealist first thing he wanted to do. It's just that... He's not ready for this conversation. After keeping his feelings a secret for so long, for six whole years, finally getting to talk about them with Jeno, finally having Jeno acknowledge them... It's so much. It's too much. Although Jaemin does recognize how important this talk would be, and how it's the smarter decision to just up and get it over with, it's not as easy as it sounds. Having to face Jeno, having to confront Jeno? Jaemin doesn't know if his poor heart can handle it, at the moment. 

"Not yet," he says to Renjun, quietly while picking at his cuticules. He sees Donghyuck open his mouth in his peripheral, but Jaemin speaks before the older boy can. "I will. I promise. Just not... Not now."

And Renjun? He can work with that. 

—

Unfortunately, 'not now' translates to three days later. 

In Jaemin's opinion, it's too soon, but realistically, it's been a week. A whole seven days, and Jaemin has managed to dodge everyone in his friend group except for Jisung. The latter wasn't lying when he said that he's Jaemin's favourite. 

"Jaemin."

Honestly? Hearing Jeno say his name after a week is so refreshing. It's ridiculously refreshing, and Jaemin doesn't know why so much warmth floods through his body at Jeno saying his goddamn name of all things. 

"Can we please talk?" He asks, and truthfully speaking, if Jeno hadn't added the please, maybe it would've been easier to tell Jeno that they should talk later. But he did, so Jaemin can't help but sigh and nod his head. 

"Okay," he mumbles, trying to ignore how his heart clenches at how relieved Jeno looks. Jeno shouldn't be treating talking to Jaemin like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity that comes up. They're best friends, and this has never happened before. Jaemin really wishes that this talk will fix everything that's been going on with them, even if he's petrified at the mere idea of them alone. 

"I'll bring pizza for dinner, okay?"

Jaemin urges the bile in his stomach to stay down at the prospect of spending time alone with Jeno after weeks. 

"Okay."

—

When there's a knock on Jaemin's door, he feels his palms start to sweat. And it's honestly kind of disgusting. But it's happening, and it's embarrassing how Jaemin's hand slips off of the knob twice before he successfully turns it open. Maybe he'll get his hands checked out later. 

"Hey," Jeno greets once the door opens. His blonde hair is slightly falling into his face, and his foot tapping against the floor gives away how nervous he is. Just with one glance, you wouldn't be able to tell, but with Jaemin knowing every nervous tick of his, it's easier. He has two pizza boxes in his arms, and Jaemin automatically takes the boxes from him. 

"Hi," he says back, internally cringing at how awkward the air is between themselves. It's stupid, the last time they were like this was— Well, never. They grew up together, they never had the 'get to know each other' stage. For all their lives, all they've known was each other. And the tension between them right now is so, so unwelcome. 

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" Jaemin asks as Jeno grabs plates from the cupboards. Jeno knows his apartment like the back of his hand, but the way he tentatively reaches for the things he could do with his eyes closed, makes Jaemin feel uncomfortable. "Come on, you look like it's your first time here," he adds with a small chuckle, hoping that it didn't sound too forced. But Jeno knows him, and knows that it is, in fact, a bit forced. 

But bless his heart, for the way he ignores the awkwardness, and the way he flows naturally to grab the glasses instead of looking so tense. He even turns his head to smile at the younger, eyes turning into crescents, and Jaemin might as well just die because of the flips his heart does. 

"A movie would be nice," Jeno answers, coming into the living room. He puts the plates and glasses on the coffee table, next to the boxes Jaemin had placed there. 

"Spiderman?"

"Spiderman."

For the first time in forever, their balance feels back to normal. It feels like they're best friends again, best friends who didn't ignore each other for weeks on end, best friends who don't subtly know about the other's feelings about them. It's nice, and it's so, so refreshing. They gobble pizza down like it's nobody's business, and they laugh at all the parts that they were expected to. It all felt so natural, and so Jeno and Jaemin that it made the latter feel like he could breathe again. It sounds dramatic, but Jaemin missed Jeno and their time together so much. 

But of course, the peacefulness and the quaint atmosphere doesn't last. It's nearing the end of the movie, and as it's a Spiderman movie which the two boy's have seen before, Jeno starts to breach the topic which caused Jaemin many restless nights. 

"You know..." He starts, toying with the fabric of the couch they're sitting on. He doesn't look at Jaemin, keeping his eyes fixed on the grease stains on the pizza boxes. "I-I really meant what I said." He whispers, almost as if he was afraid to speak the words into existence. And if we're being honest? He is. He isn't completely, one hundred percent sure about Jaemin's feelings towards him, but everything's been a bit more clearer since he's broken up and Jennie and acknowledged his own feelings for his best friend. He can read the signs a bit better now, and he can see that Jaemin has some type of feelings towards him. But if they were enough to get together with him, he wasn't sure about that. 

Jaemin turns his attention away from the movie playing on the screen, turning to look at Jeno with what he hopes were emotionless eyes. He doesn't want to give anything away, not yet. 

"Where is this coming from?" He asks quietly. "You have to understand that... For me, this is so out of left field." 

Jeno gulps, nodding at that, understanding where Jaemin is coming from. 

"I do. I understand. It just... For the past two months, Jennie has really been on my case. I guess it showed... How much of an interest I showed in you. She noticed too, and honestly, even if she was my girlfriend of four years, she really did help me. She talked me through it, and she did understand. I didn't love Jennie." He explains, finally looking up to meet the younger's eyes. "I really, really like you Jaemin. I think I have for forever." 

Jaemin, he could've only dreamed of hearing those words. It's almost unfathomable, the fact that he's sitting here right now, with Jeno professing his feelings for him. 

"Okay," Jaemin settles on saying, and it's so quiet that he's surprised that Jeno had even heard him. He can feel his hands shaking by his sides, and he clutches onto the purple blanket in order to hide their shakiness. 

Honestly speaking, he could throw up right now. His insides are doing this weird thing where they churn, and his heart is beating faster than when he was on the track team in high school. 

Out of his peripheral, he can see that Jeno is anxious for his reply, as he should be. It's just that, despite knowing better, Jaemin can't bring himself to speak, to say that he feels the same way. This is a goddamn dream come true, so he doesn't know why he can't speak the words out. His brain feels like it's malfunctioning, even if he wants nothing more than to tell Jeno that his feelings are reciprocated. 

"Jaemin." Jeno's voice rips Jaemin out of his thoughts about how stupid he was acting. "You're shaking, oh my God. Nana." 

Before Jaemin really processes what Jeno says, there are hands on top of his own, and a comforting warmth that surrounds him. It's assuring, and Jaemin feels his heart beat faster at the lack of space between the two of them. For weeks, Jaemin has missed this; missed hugging Jeno, missed cuddling with him and missed having contact with him. 

"I-I'm sorry," Jaemin says, curling more in on himself, quite frankly, embarrassed at the situation. He can feel the tears if embarrassment prick at his eyes, but he wills them to stay in his tear ducts with every fibre of his being. "I'm just r-really o-overwhelmed." 

Jeno nods, shushing Jaemin as he brings an arm around his shoulders. He pats a steady and calming rythme on the younger boy's back, effectively calming him down. 

"It's okay. You don't need to tell me anything right now."

"No!" Jaemin immediately says, shaking his head as he urges himself to stop fucking shaking. "No, I really l-like you too— Fuck. I've waited s-so long to hear you say y-you like me back."

Jeno's heart melts a little at what Jaemin says, but he feels more guilty than he does endeared. He shouldn't have made Jaemin wait so long. If he could've just figured himself out sooner, instead of wasting (well, he wouldn't really call Jennie a waste) four years of his life with someone who he didn't even love the way he loved Jaemin, then maybe they wouldn't be having this conversation, and Jaemin wouldn't be as overwhelmed as he is. 

However, he doesn't say anything, just stays quiet until Jaemin has calmed down. His shaking has stopped, but his breathing is still a bit irregular. Jaemin holds tightly onto Jeno's hands, able to admire for the first time how well they fit with each other. 

"Does this mean you're my boyfriend now?" Jeno asks after a few moments of silence, noticing the way Jaemin halts at his words. 

"I-If you want me to be," the younger boy whispers back, having Jeno smile, eyes turning into crescents. He turns to look at Jaemin, pecking the other's cheek (relishing in the blush), and nodding his head. 

"Of course I do."

Jaemin thinks that it's going to take him a while to get used to Jeno being his...

Boyfriend. 

—

The first time Jeno holds Jaemin's hand, the latter's hands are sweaty. And it's horrifyingly embarrassing. He tries to pull away, and Jeno lets him, afraid that maybe Jaemin's not comfortable with things like this yet. They haven't told anyone about what they made official three nights ago, but it wasn't because either of them said anything. Jeno decided to keep hush about it, since he has a feeling Jaemin would be overwhelmed once everyone knew. He doesn't want to smack Jaemin in the face with their relationship, he'll take things slow if it meant the younger boy is comfortable After all, Jeno is Jaemin's first boyfriend. 

"No, it's okay," Jaemin insists, making way to grab onto Jeno's hand again. He winces once their fingers lace together, and Jaemin hopes that the older boy doesn't see that and take it the wrong way. "I just... My hands are really sweaty."

Jeno has to chuckle at that, letting the sound out before he can filter it. 

"You're cute," he hums, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. Jaemin seems to loosen up at that, if the way his fingers aren't death gripping onto Jeno's is anything to go by. He's going to have to get used to Jeno complimenting him, as extraterrestrial as it sounds. It's happening, and Jaemin's more than ecstatic about it, deep down. On the surface, it's just gonna take a while for him to fully accept and adapt to the fact that Lee Jeno, the boy he's been one sidedly in love with for years, really does reciprocate his feelings. 

Baby steps, he thinks, taking a glance at Jeno, noting the way he smiles at people he knows as he walks by, and how his hand is comforting against his. Jaemin really likes him.

By the time they've made it to their friend group, who are seated around a round table, Jeno makes them stop a few feet away, his back turned to the table. He brings their hands up between them, kissing Jaemin's knuckles lightly. 

"I'll be over tonight, is that alright?" 

Jaemin's breath catches in his throat at the kiss, his blown eyes never leaving Jeno's own affectionate ones. Jaemin wonders, as he stares into those eyes, how he was lucky enough to get someone so patient, and so understanding. Most people wouldn't stick around like Jeno does, granted, it's only been three days, but Jaemin still thinks it's high of Jeno to not pressure him into anything. Especially because he just got out of a proper relationship, a long lasting one at that. He probably has expectations, and as terrified Jaemin is of not being able to meet those expectations, he's glad they're going at their own pace. 

"Yeah. It's alright." He answers, watching as the older boy's eyes curve into crescents. 

They then make their way to sit down with their friends for lunch, and it all feels so routine and so natural, that no one questions the little interaction Jeno and Jaemin had before they sat down. 

And anyways, Renjun and Donghyuck might have a hunch towards why there's a light blush on Jaemin's face. 

Lunche goes by smoothly, smoother than Jaemin expected, to be honest, and his one class after went smoothly as well. Normally, he's tempted to close his eyes during his economics lectures, but he somehow managed to keep himself alert and awake enough to understand what was going on for the entirety of the lengthy class. 

He bids Mark goodbye, who he's thankful towards for nudging him awake more often than not, and makes his way across campus, on the route to his apartment. 

"Jaemin!" A voice calls out, making the mentioned boy stop dead in his tracks. 

He knows that voice. He knows it so well that he's terrified at the thought of confronting Jennie. 

Now, it's not like he thought he'd never have to do this, because he knows that it would've happened sooner or later. He just isn't ready to actually face her. Jennie's known about Jeno's feelings towards him for months prior to them getting together, and he feels awful for her. She stuck around even after finding out that her boyfriend wasn't in love with her, and honestly? Jaemin would've wanted nothing more than to hate the person Jeno loves instead. And the thing is, he knows Jennie won't hate him. He knows that she's too much of a good person to develop a hatred for him just because her relationship didn't work. Still, Jaemin feels responsible, and God, that was the last thing he's ever wanted. 

"Hey," she greets him once she's caught up, smiling brightly, as if she didn't break up with her boyfriend of four years two and a half weeks ago. "I heard the good news!" She exclaims, seemingly way too excited. Jaemin knows it isn't artificial, but it still makes guilt bloom ugly in his stomach, and honest to God, he might puke any minute. 

"I'm really sorry," Jaemin blurts out without thinking, pupils shaking as he tries to maintain eye contact with Jennie. "I-I didn't mean to get in the way. God, I never wanted to be the reason anything happened to you two. I'm so sorry." He rambles, feeling shame crawl through his entire body. God, Jennie's gonna hate me—

"Hey," she calls softly, previous excitement wiped off of her face, save for a small smile. "It's not your fault Jaemin. Jeno and I... We just weren't meant to work out," she explains, rubbing a hand done his arm in what she hopes is comfort. "Don't feel guilty."

Speechless, even though somewhere deep down, Jaemin knew Jennie would be realistic about this, he still feels gross. But, maybe in time, this will all go away. 

"O-Okay," he settles on saying, even though the both of them know that it isn't as simple as just saying so. 

"I mean it. Don't beat yourself up over nothing."

"I'll try."

—

Jaemin's more mentally exhausted than he is physically exhausted when he gets back home. He's sluggish as he walks through the threshold and into the kitchen, reaching for a glass and pouring himself water from the fridge. He chugs it all in one go, and the iciness does wake him up a bit. He doesn't eat anything right away, saving his appetite for dinner maybe when Jeno comes over. Instead, he just makes his way to his couch, laying down on it and flicking the television on. It's some animal documentary which pops up, and Jaemin leaves it on. It stays interesting for about fifteen minutes, but then Jaemin feels tiredness seep deep into his bones. His eyelids get heavier with each passing second, and he's ready to just shut them already. 

So he does, closes his eyes and snuggles into a pillow on the couch. Jeno knows where the spare key is anyways. 

—

When he comes to, it's, of course , to Jeno running fingers through his hair. He feels warmer than when he first closed his eyes, and notices that it's a result of having a blanket thrown over his body. He still feels groggy though, eyes still bleary after being closed for so long. He feels too nice at the moment, satiated and comfortable. However, Jaemin doesn't know long Jeno has been here, and his legs might be going numb, seeing as Jaemin's head is rested on them. So he sits himself up, startling the older boy a bit. 

"You're awake?" Jeno asks, shifting a bit so that he can be eye level with Jaemin. 

"No. This is me during my sleep paralysis." He deadpans, cracking a small smile at how Jeno laughs. 

It's assuring, the way that Jeno and Jaemin don't treat each other any different from when they were best friends. The only actual change was their label: boyfriends. And Jaemin didn't care for labels all too much anyways. 

Jeno's laughter dies down after a while, and he's now just staring Jaemin. He never got to admire the younger boy up close before, always having to keep his distance. He had a girlfriend who he had a public relationship with, so being open with how he wants to ogle Jaemin wasn't really an option. 

But now, with no restrictions and all the time in the world, Jeno can't help but memorize every single crevice of Jaemin's face. His beautiful acne scars, and his lovely pink hair. His bright big eyes and his lips which are always pushed into a natural pout. Jaemin is stunning, and he grew up so beautifully. He grew into the boy with a dazzling smile and adorable bunny teeth, compared to the ten year old boy who had buck front teeth and chubby cheeks. 

Jeno finds himself bringing his two hands up to cup Jaemin's cheeks, squishing them together and watching how Jaemin's lips push out and how his eyebrows furrow in the middle. He looks adorable like this, looking up at Jeno. 

"Pretty princess," he breathes out, almost sounding as if he were out of breath because of Jaemin's beauty. Which he, truthfully speaking, is. The red blush on his cheeks heat up Jeno's hands, and it's insane how fast Jeno's heart beats at the sight of Jaemin in front of him. The butterflies fluttering in his stomach are borderline violent, and he's so sure of his feelings in this moment. 

He doesn't think he'll ever love someone as much as he loves Jaemin. 

And Jaemin isn't any better. With his cheeks blushing an obnoxious red colour, and his heart beating like a beast against his chest. For once, he feels so loved, so precious and so wanted. He doesn't feel... Lonely. And he never realized it before, but, it's a nice feeling. To have someone who adores you, and who you adore back, right next to you. To look at you fondly, to hold you gently and to feel you so delicately. It's enticing, almost intoxicating for Jaemin, but he's pretty sure it's just because he's been alone for all his life. He'll get used to Jeno being the, hopefully, permanent cause of his fluttering heart and stuttering breath soon enough. 

"What?" Jaemin asks, speech coming out a bit odd because of how his lips are pushed together. "What're you doing?"

Silent, Jeno simply brings his face closer to the younger boy's, obviously staring at his lips. Jaemin knows what's about to happen, but that doesn't make the nervousness in his system die down. The way their breaths mingle, the way Jeno flutters his eyes shut, and the way his hands stop squeezing Jaemin's cheeks, sliding down to cup his jaw instead. With Jeno inching closer and closer, the panic in Jaemin's chest keeps growing and growing. It's practically engulfing him at this point, and he feels his fight or flight instincts kick in when there's barely any space between the two of their faces'. 

Jeno's lips make contact with his cheek, and he knows that that's not what he had planned, if the frown which he feels against his skin is anything to go by. 

This is what he'd been afraid of. This is why he's taking so long to accept that they have matching feelings. Because he's not enough. And he doesn't need anyone to tell him that, doesn't need Donghyuck to tell him that, doesn't Renjun to tell him that, or Jisung or Jeno. He already knows. He's so inexperienced, and he's so scared of everything that of course he'd be a disappointing boyfriend. Jeno's had relationships in the past, he expects certain things from his partners. But Jaemin just can't give him those things, not without some time. But what he's afraid of, is that if Jeno wouldn't wait. Is he patient enough to deal with Jaemin? He's dealt with Jaemin as his best friend for two decades, but Jaemin as a boyfriend? It's different. And if Jeno decides that time's out... He doesn't know what he'll do with himself. 

He doesn't even realize that he's tearing up until the first stray tear cascades down his cheek, and it's so embarrassing to be crying in front of Jeno over something so small. Within the span of three days, Jeno must already think that Jaemin is too much work, and honestly, the thought just makes Jaemin's breath come out quicker, and once again, he feels his hands start to shake at his sides. 

He isn't looking at Jeno, and he can't even fathom the thought of looking at him. He had just rejected his kiss, their first kiss. He just dodged it, and that wasn't how first kisses were supposed to be remembered. This just makes Jaemin sadder, makes his tears flow faster, and he's positive that it's also making his hands shake harder. 

However, before Jeno can even ask what's wrong, Jaemin speaks up, through all the trembling his voice does. 

"I'm sorry," he starts, continuing before Jeno can get a word out. "I-If this is a dream," he starts, letting out a harsh breath as he pauses. "Fuck I— I really don't want to wake up." 

Jeno, of all things he could've done, decides to coo at Jaemin, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. The younger boy feels ridiculously babied right now, but he also feels ridiculously cared for. It's something he hasn't experienced in a long time, and he'd be lying if he said that the comfort didn't make his chest bloom with warmth. 

"None of this is a dream, sweetheart," Jeno says softly, looking into Jaemin's wet eyes. His lashes are clumped together and the skin underneath his eyes is slightly red, but he still looks so ethereal to Jeno. Jaemin will always look ethereal to Jeno. "Na Jaemin. I'm in love with you. I really am." He promises. 

Jaemin finds himself nodding at the words, almost as if he's trying to convince himself of that. He'll need some time, there's no doubt about it, but the way that Jeno sounds so patient with him, it sounds too good to be true. But he also knows that Jeno wouldn't lie to him, and that Jeno is in love with him. 

"I'm in l-love with you too," Jaemin confesses, letting out a small laugh with his words. It's the first time he's said those words, and they roll off if his tongue so smoothly, so naturally, and there's honestly nothing in the world he'd trade for being able to tell Jeno he loves him. 

"I'm glad," Jeno smiles, leaning up a bit to peck Jaemin's forehead. He tucks into the back of his mind that mouth kisses were off of the table until further notice, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about waiting for Jaemin, about having to postpone all the couple date ideas he has in mind. He's okay with giving Jaemin all the time he needs, because in the end, there's nothing Jeno wants more than to call Jaemin his. Than for Jaemin to be comfortable with him. "I'll wait for you. As long as it takes, princess." 

Jaemin would be lying if he said his heart didn't do a little thing at Jeno's words. 

God, it's been three days and Jaemin's already acting like a lovesick fool. 

But honestly? 

Jeno wouldn’t have him any other way.

—


End file.
